Family Guy

Sundays 9:00 PM on FOX
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Construction Worker #1: My son got into DeVry.
Construction Worker #2: Oh, good. What'd he have to do, open the door?
Construction Worker #1: (Sighs) Can't you let me have anything?

Peter: Lois, don't freaking put me through this again.
Lois: Peter, a little culture is good for this family. Besides, you liked the Nutcracker didn't you?
Peter: No Lois, I did not. The Nutcracker had zero physical comedy. And, and, with a name like the Nutcracker, I thought, oh, this would be worth a few yucks. But no Lois, that title wrote a check to those queers on stage refused to cash.

Instructor: Welcome to the Quahog maritime school Chris. Our curriculum consists of being on boats for long periods of time with men, just men, for many days at a time. Up on the deck with lots of men, or down in the galley with lots of men.
Chris: Is this some kind of pirate school?
Instructor: Well... a certain kind of pirate. Yes, we've been called that.
Chris: I don't know...
Stewie: Is there some kind of pre-school program?

TV Announcer: We now return to, How I Met Your Father.
Ted: Oh Barney, I'm never going to meet the right girl and get married.
Barney: You know Ted, don't you think it's kind of strange for a guy in his twenties to always be talking about getting married rather than getting laid?
Ted: Barney, I'm in love with you.
Barney: (takes out a condom) Suit up. (They start making out.)

Yes, I shall attend this institution. Perhaps one day I can be more powerful than King Friday. (Scene to where Stewie becomes King Friday.) I am the supreme ruler of the neighborhood of make believe. All will kneel before my... (Trolley comes by and rings bell.) Oh, come on! What kind of freaking king lives next to the tracks? What is this, Mexico?

Stewie

Stewie: Well, we're not the first people to be dragged off against our will. (Cuts to scene with a Captain steering a ship filled with slaves.)
Slave: Are we there yet?
Captain: No.
Slave: Are we there yet?
Captain: No!
Slave: Are we there yet?
Captain: Damn it! I swear to God I will turn this ship around!
Slaves: That works. Okay. That'll teach us a lesson. Yeah, that's even better.
Captain: Oh right, (starts turning ship) if that's what you... wait a minute!

Chris, welcome to the Skull and Bones Society. This is where the most powerful men in the world are groomed for their futures. Every president, every CEO, every douchebag named Ryan Seacrest.

Carter Pewterschmidt

Principal: I suppose there is one thing I could do to raise the school's test average.
Lois: Then do it!
Principal: Oh right, we'll drop the dumbest student we have. Chris Griffin is hereby expelled!
Chris: But if I leave now, I won't hear who is the dumbest kid in school.

Stewie: I got a job following fat people around with a tuba.
(cuts to scene of Stewie plays a funny beat while following a fat man)
Fat Man: Stop it!
(Stewie keeps playing)
Fat Man: Cut it out!
(Stewie keeps playing)
Fat Man: I have a glandular problem!
(the fat man trips and Stewie makes a flatulence sound)
Stewie: That'll be sixty dollars.

Lois: So, do you think your school would be right for Chris?
School Guide: Oh, Absolutely. Quahog school for the deaf has great programs, both academic and athletic. In fact, your just in time for our Homecoming Pep Rally.
Guy: What are we gonna do to Lincoln!
Crowd: Kill them!
Guy: I can't hear you!
Crowd: Kill them!
Guy: I can't hear you!
Crowd: Kill them!
Guy: I can't hear you!
Crowd: Kill them!
Guy: I can't hear you!
Crowd: Kill them!
Chris: Lets just go.

Carter Pewterschmidt: Sorry Master Herbert.
Herbert: Sorry? You better get your ass in that closet Pewterschmidt.
Carter Pewterschmidt: Yes sir. (walks to the closet)
Herbert: I am so tired of you.

Lois: They cut our school's funding if it's got low test scores? This is not what the founding fathers had in mind. (Cuts to scene to signing of Declaration of Independence.)
Man On Podium: Okay, we're here to sign this declaration of our independence. Let's take roll call first. Thomas Jefferson?
Thomas Jefferson: Here.
Man on Podium: Benjamin Franklin?
Benjamin Franklin: Here.
Man on Podium: John Footpenis?
John Hancock: It's Hancock now.
Man on Podium: Why?
John Hancock: Mind your business, that's why.

Displaying quotes 37 - 48 of 338 in total

Family Guy Season 5 Quotes

Stewie: (Comes into the bedroom) Lois! Lois! Lois! Lois! Lois! Lois! Mom! Mom! Mom! Mommy! Mommy! Mommy! Mama! Mama! Mama! Ma! Ma! Ma! Ma! Mum! Mum! Mum! Mum! Mummy! Mummy! Mumma! Mumma! Mumma!
Lois: What!?
Stewie: Hi! (Giggling and running out of the room)

(Gregory Peck and his kids are riding in the car, his kids look and talk exactly like him)
Son #1: Are we there yet?
Son #2: It's crowded back here!
Son #3: Stop touching me!
Son #2: Your leg is rubbing up against mine!
Gregory Peck: Hey! Quiet down or I'm pulling over.
Son #1: Stop breathing on the window!
Son #2: You idiot! That's condensation, it's on the outside.
Gregory Peck: That's it! I will come back there and so help me god, I will hit you with my ring-hand.

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