Family Guy
Sundays 9:00 PM on FOXFamily Guy Season 5 Quotes
Instructor: Welcome to the Quahog maritime school Chris. Our curriculum consists of being on boats for long periods of time with men, just men, for many days at a time. Up on the deck with lots of men, or down in the galley with lots of men.
Chris: Is this some kind of pirate school?
Instructor: Well... a certain kind of pirate. Yes, we've been called that.
Chris: I don't know...
Stewie: Is there some kind of pre-school program?
Lois: So, do you think your school would be right for Chris?
School Guide: Oh, Absolutely. Quahog school for the deaf has great programs, both academic and athletic. In fact, your just in time for our Homecoming Pep Rally.
Guy: What are we gonna do to Lincoln!
Crowd: Kill them!
Guy: I can't hear you!
Crowd: Kill them!
Guy: I can't hear you!
Crowd: Kill them!
Guy: I can't hear you!
Crowd: Kill them!
Guy: I can't hear you!
Crowd: Kill them!
Chris: Lets just go.
Cool, I don't have to go to school. I can just pee in my bed all day.
Chris
Roger Chapstick: And that was the third time I slept with Katherine Harris.
Virgil Mastercard: Well I love her politics but how is she in bed?
Roger Chapstick: Well as anyone in Florida will tell you, she knows how to rig an erection.
Oh hey, y'all said my name! Welcome to our meeting here at the school. We got lots of exciting topics here tonight. We're going to have a public show, we're going to have some jazz. No, I'm just kidding, we have some business to take care of though. I'm sorry I pulled y'all legs. I'm just a little excited because (high-pitched voice) I met somebody today. Someone in the book store. Someone who likes the same kind of literature as I do. Oh and the adventure begins again!
Bruce
Lois: They cut our school's funding if it's got low test scores? This is not what the founding fathers had in mind. (Cuts to scene to signing of Declaration of Independence.)
Man On Podium: Okay, we're here to sign this declaration of our independence. Let's take roll call first. Thomas Jefferson?
Thomas Jefferson: Here.
Man on Podium: Benjamin Franklin?
Benjamin Franklin: Here.
Man on Podium: John Footpenis?
John Hancock: It's Hancock now.
Man on Podium: Why?
John Hancock: Mind your business, that's why.
Stewie: Well, we're not the first people to be dragged off against our will. (Cuts to scene with a Captain steering a ship filled with slaves.)
Slave: Are we there yet?
Captain: No.
Slave: Are we there yet?
Captain: No!
Slave: Are we there yet?
Captain: Damn it! I swear to God I will turn this ship around!
Slaves: That works. Okay. That'll teach us a lesson. Yeah, that's even better.
Captain: Oh right, (starts turning ship) if that's what you... wait a minute!
Yes, I shall attend this institution. Perhaps one day I can be more powerful than King Friday. (Scene to where Stewie becomes King Friday.) I am the supreme ruler of the neighborhood of make believe. All will kneel before my... (Trolley comes by and rings bell.) Oh, come on! What kind of freaking king lives next to the tracks? What is this, Mexico?
Stewie
Principal: I suppose there is one thing I could do to raise the school's test average.
Lois: Then do it!
Principal: Oh right, we'll drop the dumbest student we have. Chris Griffin is hereby expelled!
Chris: But if I leave now, I won't hear who is the dumbest kid in school.
Peter: Lois, don't freaking put me through this again.
Lois: Peter, a little culture is good for this family. Besides, you liked the Nutcracker didn't you?
Peter: No Lois, I did not. The Nutcracker had zero physical comedy. And, and, with a name like the Nutcracker, I thought, oh, this would be worth a few yucks. But no Lois, that title wrote a check to those queers on stage refused to cash.
Stewie: I got a job following fat people around with a tuba.
(cuts to scene of Stewie plays a funny beat while following a fat man)
Fat Man: Stop it!
(Stewie keeps playing)
Fat Man: Cut it out!
(Stewie keeps playing)
Fat Man: I have a glandular problem!
(the fat man trips and Stewie makes a flatulence sound)
Stewie: That'll be sixty dollars.
(Stewie follows Chris while playing his funny beat on his tuba)
Chris: Cut it out!
(Stewie keeps playing)
Chris: I'm just trying to live my life!
(Stewie keeps playing)
Chris: No one taught me about carbs!
(Chris trips, Stewie makes a flatulence sound)
