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Family-guy

Oh my God, I attacked Lois! What the hell was I thinking? I'm a rapist. I-I'm no better than Kobe Bryant, or Mike Tyson, or Reagan.

Brian

Peter: I am so glad Brian brought us out here, Lois. He's a real pal, you know that?
Lois: Well, it's actually Brian I need to talk to you about.
Peter: Boy, he's a hell of a guy, isn't he? He's the one guy I know I can trust.
Lois: Brian tried to have sex with me.
(pause)
Peter: Was he bigger than me?

Peter: You can't even hang on to a girlfriend for more than a couple of months.
Brian: What the hell is that supposed to mean?
Peter: Oh... you're a friggin' train wreck with that crap, Brian. You couldn't even get Jillian to take you back, and she was dumber than Lou Ferrigno.

Peter: (very drunk) Did I miss Byron's reward?
Lois: "Brian's award". And yes, you did!
Peter: Brian, you've been a good son, and I'm sorry you're so sick.

Lois: (after reading Peter's note) Well, heh, it looks like I am free. Hey, you know what might be fun? How bout we just order room service and watch a couple of bad movies?
Brian: Yeah, that does sound like fun. I'll go rent Vanilla Sky.
Lois: I said a bad movie, not an abortion.

Herbert: Alright children, your mammy and pappy asked me to look after ya for the next couple days. So I wanna lay down a few ground rules: no cussing, clean your plates, and only a half-hour of radio and then its off to bed.
Chris: Well that sucks.
Herbert: And don't you mouth off to me or I'm gonna slap you right in your penis

Meg: No offense, Mr. Herbert, but I'm a seventeen year old girl, and I have no need for you.
Herbert: Well, no offense to you Meg, but you're a seventeen year old girl, and I have no need for YOU.

Brian: Lois, I really like to talk about this.(Brian starts scratching the door)
Lois: No! Stop scratching the door!
Brian: Okay.

Announcer: We now return to Damn Nature, You Scary on BET.
(cut to the TV screen, where a cheetah is running)
Narrator: Damn, look at that son-of-a-bitch go! He haulin' ass! If that thing come by my house, I kill it.
(the cheetah sees a meerkat, catches it, and eats it)
Narrator: That little rat-looking thing just got ate! DAMN NATURE, YOU SCARY!

(Peter calls Quagamire)
Peter: Look Quagamire were only gonna be in Martha's Vinyard for a couple days can't you just watch the kids
(pause where Quagamire refuses)
Peter: Aww man your more of a let down then fruit stripe gum.
(flash back where peter puts a piece of fruit stripe gum in his mouth)
Peter: Mmmmmm
(1 second later)
Peter: Awww

James Woods: Hey, not so fast pal. Those are my clothes.
Peter: Oh come on.
Joe: You heard him fella, take 'em off. Right down to the poop sack. What? You don't all wear a poop sack? Damnit Bonnie! You lied to me about the poop sack!

You're in a lot of trouble, Griffin, you mother f***er!

James Woods
Displaying quotes 25 - 36 of 158 in total

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Family Guy Season 6 Quotes

Stewie: Brian, this is painful. It's like listening to those two foreign guys down at the coffee shop who've been living in the US almost long enough to sound American.
(scene cuts to coffee shop)
Guy #1: Oh man, what a good bunch of partying at that disco-tech. They played one of my audience requests.
Guy #2: Way awesome! I myself drank like five liters of beer. Any more and I would have ended up in hospital man.
Guy #1: Oh you said it friend, but I wanted to stay, because I almost had sex on this girl.
Guy #2: Oh yeah, but it was so expensive. Each drink was like six dollars forty!

(about Meg's wedding dress) Look at her fat shoulders in those spaghetti straps. It's like bread baking around twine!

Stewie
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