Family Guy

Sundays 9:00 PM on FOX
Family guy
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(Peter is seen walking into a stem-cell research facility, and later walking out all cured)
Peter: How long was I in there?
Guard: About five minutes.
Peter: Why are we not funding this!?

Lois: Peter, have you seen Brian?
Peter: (with his back to her, his voice is muffled) No, Lois. I have not.
Lois: Well, I haven't seen him since this morning and I--what is that on your head?
(Peter turns to reveal Brian duct taped to his face)
Peter: It's a mustache, Lois! What, you've never seen a mustache before?!
Brian: (calmly)Lois, would you mind calling the police or something?
Peter: Quiet, mustache!

(looking at Mustache Aficionado Magazine) Wow, look at these men. What class! What grace! And all because of a little upper lip hair. Lois, I am gonna grow a mustache. And I'll have it made like the Monopoly guy. Except when he goes directly to jail.

Peter

Peter: Black mail call!
Lois: Peter, you were supposed to collect Cleveland's mail, not go through it.
Peter: Lois, black people aren't like you and I, and I find that hilarious!

(after the the judge rules in favor of McBurgertown industries)
Peter: What!? Hey c'mon, that's not fair!
Judge: Well Mr. Griffin, what did you expect? They have a hundred lawyers. And you tried to bribe me with a subsription to Grape Soda Today, which I already have!

Stewie: Well Brian, you've lost your bet. I, or rather my alter-ego Zack Sawyer, am currently the most popular boy at James Woods High.
Brian: Well, Stewie, you got the best of me on this one, congratulations. I guess you'll be hanging up your wig now?
Stewie: Oh no Brian, I'm enjoying myself too much. Do you know I have a date with Connie D'amico this Saturday night at Anal Point?
Brian: Ah, I've heard about that place.
Stewie: Really? What's it like? Because I have no idea.
Brian: Well, uh... I suppose if you imagine it like a parking space that you think "gosh, there's no way I'm gonna be able to fit in there." But then you fold in the side view mirrors, and sure enough, well, look at that.
Stewie: Well, in that scenario, it sounds like I'd rather be the parking space than the car.
Brian: Yeah, that's what I always guessed.

Stewie: Hey, Brian, knock knock!
Brian: Who's there?
Stewie: (whispering) Two friends, building a house together.

Lois: Peter, Meg's been down there an awfully long time.
Peter: Boy, you cannot wait to criticise her at every turn, can you, Lois?

(about Meg's wedding dress) Look at her fat shoulders in those spaghetti straps. It's like bread baking around twine!

Stewie

I can set you up with one of my friends. Oh wait, I don't have any friends. Well I can set you up with dad! Dad, will you be interested in dating Meg?

Chris

See, look Meg, he just walked out on you. He's a bad man, like Jodie Foster.

Peter

Stay away from my daughter you possible rapist!

Peter
Displaying quotes 49 - 60 of 158 in total

Family Guy Season 6 Quotes

Stewie: Brian, this is painful. It's like listening to those two foreign guys down at the coffee shop who've been living in the US almost long enough to sound American.
(scene cuts to coffee shop)
Guy #1: Oh man, what a good bunch of partying at that disco-tech. They played one of my audience requests.
Guy #2: Way awesome! I myself drank like five liters of beer. Any more and I would have ended up in hospital man.
Guy #1: Oh you said it friend, but I wanted to stay, because I almost had sex on this girl.
Guy #2: Oh yeah, but it was so expensive. Each drink was like six dollars forty!

You can kiss the lower part of the back of the canister that is my body!

Cleveland (R2-D2)