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Family-guy

Heh, heh, I stole Meg's cutaway.

Peter [dressed like Meg]

Edward: I'm a vampire, and I'm in love with this unattractive girl.
Jacob: I'm a werewolf, and I am also in love with this unattractive girl.
Edward: Boy, she sure can act though, can't she?
Jacob: Nope.

You know Chris, all my life, I've wanted to see you locked in a basement. But now that it's happened, all I want to do is get you out!

Herbert

How do I know which one to shoot? How do I know which one's the real dad??

Chris

You're not going to get away with this, Mr. Google Search!

Peter

I'm pretty sure our washer machine is pregnant! I'm not even sure how that's scientifically possible!

Lois

Death: You members of the human race have the power to send a man to the moon and make Justin Long a movie star.
Peter: We did it with Justin Long didn't we? America said no but we kept at it!

You know what? I was so drunk, my ghost is drunk.

Peter

Please be Rosie O'Donnell! Wait... is it?

Death
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