Flight of the Conchords

Flight of the Conchords Season 1 Quotes

Season 1 Episode 12: "The Third Conchord"

Bret: Todd's not cool.
Murray: What do you mean? He's cooler than both of you put together. Look at him over there with all his friends. He's like the Pied Piper of cool. Pied Piper was cool wasn't he?
Bret: Pied Piper wasn't cool, he took all those kids into a cave.
Murray: No, I mean before that phase; when it was just the rats.
 • Rating: Unrated

Bret: Okay, I'm just going to say, "Dear Todd, thank you very much, but you can't be in the band anymore."
Jemaine: Umm. I don't think you should do it, man. You're too easily offended.
Bret: I can't believe you just said that.
 • Rating: Unrated

Season 1 Episode 11: "The Actor"

Dave: I think you've gotta use honesty here. I mean, you know, it's always the best policy. Like the other day there was five, well, maybe there was like four really hot foreign chicks, either like Swedish or Korean, in my shop, and they were like "Dave, we wanna have a five way with you." I just told them, "honestly, okay." Then I gave it to 'em. Hard.
 • Rating: Unrated

Season 1 Episode 10: "New Fans"

Jemaine: You don't even know anything about threesomes.
Bret: Have you ever had a threesome?
Jemaine: Nearly.
Bret: What do you mean, nearly?
Jemaine: I've had a twosome.
 • Rating: 5.0 / 5.0

Mel: What was your name again?
Rain: It's Rain.
Mel: Oh. That's nice. Kinda like... kinda like bad weather... I remember your name from the fan list, I check it regularly. Do you check it regularly?
Rain: No.
Mel: Oh... You don't have a computer.
Rain: No, I have a computer.
Mel: Oh, you can't read...
 • Rating: Unrated

Season 1 Episode 9: "What Goes on Tour"

Murray: I'm so angry, I feel like swearing.
Bret: Oh, Murray, you wouldn't swear at us.
Murray: Go f**k yourself Bret!
 • Rating: 5.0 / 5.0

Murray: Okay, band meeting. Murray, present. Bret, present. Jermaine, present. Alright, I haven't got time for your time-wasting. I have good news, I have booked our biggest tour ever.
Bret: The Grand Canyon one?
Jermaine: Well, it wouldn't have to be that big to be our biggest tour ever
 • Rating: Unrated

Season 1 Episode 8: "Girlfriends"

Murray: Bands shouldn't have girlfriends. You lose your female fan base. What about Wham? You never saw Wham with girlfriends. That's how they kept the women wanting them. No girlfriends
 • Rating: Unrated

Jemaine: Are you and Lisa gonna get married now?
Bret: I wish, but I don't know. She's got to go to war.
Jemaine: What?
Bret: Yeah, Iraq.
Jemaine: Iraq?
Bret: Yeah.
Jemaine: Lisa?
Bret: Yes, she's in Delta Force. She's been deployed to Fallujah.
Jemaine: But she works in the croissant shop.
Bret: Yeah well, she's got two jobs. She's a pastry chef and a sniper
 • Rating: Unrated

Murray [referring to Quincy Jones]: What are some albums that he's done, Bret?
Bret: Michael Jackson's "Off The Wall".
Murray: I'll say he is...he's off the planet. Wants to freeze himself, doesn't he?
 • Rating: Unrated

Season 1 Episode 7: "Drive By"

Jemaine: It doesn't matter what country someone's from, or what they look like, or the color of their skin. It doesn't matter what they smell like, or that they spell words slightly differently...some would say, more correctly.
Sinjay: Yeah...
Jemaine: Let me finish. I'm a person. Bret's a person. You're a person. That person over there is a person. And each person deserves to be treated like a person.
Sinjay: That's a great speech. Too bad New Zealanders are a bunch of cocky a-holes descended from criminals and retarded monkeys.
Jemaine: No you're thinking of Australians
Bret: Yea thats Australians
 • Rating: 5.0 / 5.0

Bret: So he wouldn't serve us basically just because we're from New Zealand.
Jemaine: Is that the norm?
Dave: Well, you guys are in America now, and there's a lot of prejudism here. Especially towards people like you.
Bret: What do you mean, people like us?
Dave: You know, the English and what not, red coats, the oppressors...
Jemaine: We're not English.
Dave: Be that as it may Jemaine, you're pretty much the most disliked race in this whole country.
Jemaine: What about black people?
Dave They don't like you either. Neither do the Chinese, the Asians, Polish, Russian, Croatians, even the Indians.
Bret: Yeah, but Dave, you're Indian. D'you hate us?
Dave: Yeah, sometimes.
Jemaine: But you're our best friend.
Dave: I know.
 • Rating: 5.0 / 5.0

Season 1 Episode 6: "Bowie"

Bret: Can I please have a look at the lyrics? This is another one of your weird songs, man.
Jemaine: In what way?
Bret: What's that about 'Sometimes I put a wig on you when we're on tour'?
Jemaine: Put a wig on you? No. It didn't say anything like that.
Bret: That's definitely a bit gay.
Jemaine: What is?
Bret: Putting a wig on me while I'm asleep.
Jemaine: I think, sometimes you hear what you wanna hear. It wouldn't be gay to put a wig on a man and pretend they're a woman. How could that be gay if you're pretending they're a woman? Not that I did it
 • Rating: 5.0 / 5.0

Season 1 Episode 5: "Sally Returns"

Murray: Jermaine?
Jermaine: Present.
Murray: Bret?
Bret: Yep.
Murray: And Murray... yes, present, thank you... I'm always here anyway, I don't know why I bother with my line
 • Rating: 5.0 / 5.0

Jemaine: It's not a cleaning cupboard, it's an apartment. It's my studio apartment.
Murray: More like a "compartment."
 • Rating: Unrated

Season 1 Episode 4: "Yoko"

Bret: Oh, no I'm not gonna leave her, I told you that. You know, I like the band but, no, I'm not leaving Coco.
Coco: I wouldn't mind, I mean if that's what you really want.
Bret: Shush baby.
Coco: I... I don't really see us as a long-term...
Bret: Shush.
Jemaine: So what's it gonna be Bret, the girl or the band?
Bret: Well, it's gonna be Coco.
 • Rating: Unrated

Mel: Does... does Bret's girlfriend look anything like me? A bit?
Murray: A little bit. 'Round the eyes.
Mel: Oh yeah? Big eyes, huh?
Murray: Well she's... she's got eyes.
 • Rating: 5.0 / 5.0

Season 1 Episode 3: "Mugged"

Murray: I get ridiculed all the time.
Bret: Really?
Murray: Yep. "Ah hey... ginger balls!" you know.
Jermaine: That was Bret... he called you that.
Bret: Oh, the other night?
Murray: Well, it's not just you Bret, it's all the time, and it's not just ginger balls, you know?
Bret: I thought that was your nickname
Murray: No! I get umm... "Oh what are you on your way to a d**k meeting?"
 • Rating: 5.0 / 5.0

Bret: I have 15 dollars.
Mugger: Great, give me that.
Bret: It's in the bank.
Mugger: No! We don't have time to go to the bank.
Jemaine: We might just have time
 • Rating: Unrated

Mel: You're out? Did the cops try to strip search you?
Jemaine: No.
Mel: Did they find anything?
Jemaine: No, they didn't strip search me.
Mel: Oh, I.. I thought you said they did.
Jemaine: No.
Mel: Oh, well, did any of your cellmates, you know, rape you in the a...
Jemaine: No. No no no.
Mel: Oh good, good. Cause if... if I was a convict, you know, and I was in a cell with a pretty boy like you, I would definitely wait till lights out, put my hand over your mouth--
Jemaine: I've gotta... I've gotta go.
 • Rating: Unrated

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