Bret: Todd's not cool.
Murray: What do you mean? He's cooler than both of you put together. Look at him over there with all his friends. He's like the Pied Piper of cool. Pied Piper was cool wasn't he?
Bret: Pied Piper wasn't cool, he took all those kids into a cave.
Murray: No, I mean before that phase; when it was just the rats.

Bret: Okay, I'm just going to say, "Dear Todd, thank you very much, but you can't be in the band anymore."
Jemaine: Umm. I don't think you should do it, man. You're too easily offended.
Bret: I can't believe you just said that.

Bands shouldn't have girlfriends. You lose your female fan base. What about Wham? You never saw Wham with girlfriends. That's how they kept the women wanting them. No girlfriends

Murray

I think you've gotta use honesty here. I mean, you know, it's always the best policy. Like the other day there was five, well, maybe there was like four really hot foreign chicks, either like Swedish or Korean, in my shop, and they were like "Dave, we wanna have a five way with you." I just told them, "honestly, okay." Then I gave it to 'em. Hard.

Dave

Jemaine: You don't even know anything about threesomes.
Bret: Have you ever had a threesome?
Jemaine: Nearly.
Bret: What do you mean, nearly?
Jemaine: I've had a twosome.

Mel: What was your name again?
Rain: It's Rain.
Mel: Oh. That's nice. Kinda like... kinda like bad weather... I remember your name from the fan list, I check it regularly. Do you check it regularly?
Rain: No.
Mel: Oh... You don't have a computer.
Rain: No, I have a computer.
Mel: Oh, you can't read...

Murray: I'm so angry, I feel like swearing.
Bret: Oh, Murray, you wouldn't swear at us.
Murray: Go fuck yourself Bret!

Murray: Okay, band meeting. Murray, present. Bret, present. Jermaine, present. Alright, I haven't got time for your time-wasting. I have good news, I have booked our biggest tour ever.
Bret: The Grand Canyon one?
Jermaine: Well, it wouldn't have to be that big to be our biggest tour ever

Jemaine: Are you and Lisa gonna get married now?
Bret: I wish, but I don't know. She's got to go to war.
Jemaine: What?
Bret: Yeah, Iraq.
Jemaine: Iraq?
Bret: Yeah.
Jemaine: Lisa?
Bret: Yes, she's in Delta Force. She's been deployed to Fallujah.
Jemaine: But she works in the croissant shop.
Bret: Yeah well, she's got two jobs. She's a pastry chef and a sniper

Murray [referring to Quincy Jones]: What are some albums that he's done, Bret?
Bret: Michael Jackson's "Off The Wall".
Murray: I'll say he is...he's off the planet. Wants to freeze himself, doesn't he?

Jemaine: It doesn't matter what country someone's from, or what they look like, or the color of their skin. It doesn't matter what they smell like, or that they spell words slightly differently...some would say, more correctly.
Sinjay: Yeah...
Jemaine: Let me finish. I'm a person. Bret's a person. You're a person. That person over there is a person. And each person deserves to be treated like a person.
Sinjay: That's a great speech. Too bad New Zealanders are a bunch of cocky a-holes descended from criminals and retarded monkeys.
Jemaine: No you're thinking of Australians
Bret: Yea thats Australians

Bret: So he wouldn't serve us basically just because we're from New Zealand.
Jemaine: Is that the norm?
Dave: Well, you guys are in America now, and there's a lot of prejudism here. Especially towards people like you.
Bret: What do you mean, people like us?
Dave: You know, the English and what not, red coats, the oppressors...
Jemaine: We're not English.
Dave: Be that as it may Jemaine, you're pretty much the most disliked race in this whole country.
Jemaine: What about black people?
Dave They don't like you either. Neither do the Chinese, the Asians, Polish, Russian, Croatians, even the Indians.
Bret: Yeah, but Dave, you're Indian. D'you hate us?
Dave: Yeah, sometimes.
Jemaine: But you're our best friend.
Dave: I know.

Flight of the Conchords Season 1 Quotes

Murray: Okay, band meeting. Murray, present. Bret, present. Jermaine, present. Alright, I haven't got time for your time-wasting. I have good news, I have booked our biggest tour ever.
Bret: The Grand Canyon one?
Jermaine: Well, it wouldn't have to be that big to be our biggest tour ever

Mel: You're out? Did the cops try to strip search you?
Jemaine: No.
Mel: Did they find anything?
Jemaine: No, they didn't strip search me.
Mel: Oh, I.. I thought you said they did.
Jemaine: No.
Mel: Oh, well, did any of your cellmates, you know, rape you in the a...
Jemaine: No. No no no.
Mel: Oh good, good. Cause if... if I was a convict, you know, and I was in a cell with a pretty boy like you, I would definitely wait till lights out, put my hand over your mouth--
Jemaine: I've gotta... I've gotta go.