Monica: My boyfriend doesn't have a thing!
Richard: See, if anyone overheard that, I didn't come off well.

Phoebe: You have to stay back, 'cause, I have the pox.
Ryan: Chicken or small?
Phoebe: Chicken. Which is so ironic, considering that I'm a vegetarian.

Chandler: Hey, how's the first day going?
Joey: Pretty good. It's like you said. It's mostly just putting numbers from one column into another column.
Chandler: Well there you go.
Joey: Hey and everbody is so nice. I just had a good talk with that lady with the red hair, Jeannie.
Chandler: Jeannie, the head of east coast operations Jeannie?
Joey: Yeah, turns out our kids go to the same school. Small world huh?
Chandler: Weird world. Your kids?
Joey: I figure my character has kids.
Chandler: You know, there isn't a part of that sentence I don't need explained.
Joey: Well, see when you're acting you need to think about stuff like that. My character, Joseph the processor guy, has two little girls, Ashley and Brittany. Ashley copies everything Brittany does.
Chandler: Well, invisible kids can be that way sometimes.
Joey: Yeah. Joseph and his wife, Karen, are thinking of having a third kid... You know what? Just did.
Chandler: Wow, that's some pretty strong imaginary sperm you've got there.

(to Phoebe) Ryan's been underwater. He's just going to be glad you don't have barnacles on your butt.

Monica

Phoebe: You don't want to see a face that's covered with pox.
Ryan: Your face could be covered with lox, I wouldn't care!

Monica: Honey, you made the bed again. I told you, you don't have to do that. This isn't camp.
Richard: Then I guess the panty raid last night was completely out of line.

Joey: Woah, woah, woah, uh, no Shannon Cooper.
Phoebe: Why not her?
Joey: Cause she uh, she steals stuff.
Chandler: Or maybe she doesn't steal stuff and Joey just slept with her and never called her back.

Joey: Mr. Green, why don't we go in the bedroom and put your coat on the bed?
Dr. Green: Uh, sure. That sounds like a two person job.

Rachel: Can you keep my dad occupied? I'm gonna go talk to Mom for a while.
Ross: Okay. Do you have any ideas for any openers?
Rachel: Just stay clear of, "I'm the guy that's doing your daughter!" and you should be okay.

Monica: Joey, they're not real! I start miles beneath the surface of these things, okay? They're fake. See (Monica squeezes her breast) Honk honk.
Chandler: Wow, it's, it's like porno for clowns.

Rachel: I could look at the bright side, I get two birthday parties and two birthday cakes.
Chandler: Well, actually just one birthday flan.
Rachel: What?
Chandler: It's a traditional Mexican custard dessert... Look talk to Monica, she's on the food committee.

Rachel: It's just that.. I was in there, listening to them bitch about each other, and it reminded me of the Fourth Of July.
Chandler: Because.. it reminded you of how our forefathers used to bitch at each other?

Friends Season 2 Quotes

Chandler: Joey's tailor... took advantage of me.
Ross: What?
Joey: No way, I've been going to the guy for twelve years.
Chandler: Oh come on, he said he was going to do my inseem, then he ran his hand up my leg and then there was definite...
Ross: What? (Chandler closes his eyes)
Chandler: Cupping.
Joey: That's how they do pants! First they go up one side, they move it over, then they go up the other side then they move it back, and then they do the rear. Ross, will you tell him. Isn't that how a tailor measures pants?
Ross: Yes, yes it is... in prison!

Chandler: No, no, no, no, no, no. (Opens the door for Monica) No. Monica, it's Sunday morning. I'm not running on a Sunday.
Monica: Why not?
Chandler: Because it's Sunday. It's God's day.
Monica: Okay, if you say stop, then we stop.
Chandler: Okay, stop.