King Robert: Your outlaw, any last words?
Jaime: I cut his head off, so, no.
King Robert: What about Aerys Targaryen? What did the Mad King say when you stabbed him in the back? I never asked. Did he call you a traitor? Did he plead for a reprieve.
Jaime: He said the same thing he'd been saying for hours. Burn them all. If that's all, your Grace.

Tyrion: And how do a bear's balls taste?
Yoren: A bit chewy. What about you, milord. What's the strangest thing you've eaten?
Tyrion: Do Dornish girls count?

Tyrion: Do you think I'm plump? Listen, Benjen, may I call you Benjen?
Benjen: Call me what you like.
Tyrion: I'm not sure what I've done to offend you. I have great admiration for the Night's Watch, and for you as First Ranger.
Benjen: You know my brother once told me? That nothing someone says before the word but really counts.
Tyrion: But, I don't believe that giants and ghouls and white walkers are lurking beyond the wall. I believe that the only difference between us and the wildlings is that when that wall went up, our ancestors happened to live on the right side of it.

Not this time. We'll be staying at the finest castles and inns. No one turns away a Lannister.

Tyrion

If you're going to be a cripple, it's better to be a rich cripple. Take care, Snow.

Tyrion

Tyrion: I must say I received a slighter warmer welcome on my last visit.
Robb: Any man of the Night's Watch is welcome at Winterfell.
Tyrion: Any man of the Night's Watch but not I, eh boy?
Robb: I'm not your boy, Lannister. I'm Lord of Winterfell while my father is away.
Tyrion: Then you might learn a Lord's courtesy.

Tyrion: Come to see me off Greyjoy? Kind of you. Your master doesn't seem to like Lannisters.
Theon: He's not my master.
Tyrion: No, of course not. What happened here, where is Lady Stark, why didn't she receive me:
Theon: She wasn't feeling well.
Tyrion: She's not in Winterfell, is she? Where did she go?
Theon: My lady's whereabouts...
Tyrion: My lady? Your loyalty to your loyalty to your captors is touching. Tell me, how do you think Balon Greyjoy would feel knowing his only surviving son had turned lackey.

Anyway, don't despair, I'm a constant disappointment to my own father and I've learned to live with it. Here, your next tumble with Roz is on me. I'll try not to wear her out.

Tyrion

Jaime: Shhh...Listen. Do you hear them? How many do you think are in there with him. Guess.
Jory: Three, four.
Jaime: He likes to do this while I'm on duty. Makes me listen while he insults my sister.
Jory: Forgive me my Lord...
Jaime: Why do I have to forgive you, have you wronged me?

Ned: You're too fat for your armor.
King Robert: Fat? Fat is it? Is that how you speak to your King?

King Robert: You heard The Hand. Go find the breast plate stretcher. Now!
Ned: The breast plate stretcher?
King Robert: How long before he figures it out.
Ned: Maybe you should have one invented.

He won't be a boy forever. And, winter is coming.

Ned