Gilmore Girls Season 1 Episode 3: "Kill Me Now" Quotes
(to Rory) You can use your mother's old golf clubs. They're upstairs gathering dust along with the rest of her potential.
Emily
Lorelai: I told her she should go out for the debating team.
Rory: It's not a sport.
Lorelai: It is, the way the Gilmores play.
Richard: Lorelai the First.
Rory: I thought Mom was the first.
Richard: No, no.
Emily: Not in the name.
Lorelai: No, but in so many other things, I was a regular Trailblazer. (to Emily) Just finishing your thought, Mom.
Sookie: Which one is which?
Lorelai: I don't know. I think the one on the right is Matt.
Michel: No, the one on the left is Matt. The one on the right is Mark.
Lorelai: That's very impressive.
Michel: Yes, well, I'm very good at observing people, you know, learning the tics and traits, sound of their voices. It's a gift.
Sookie: That one has a Post-It on its back.
Michel: Oh, well, then that's Mark. The one on the right is Matt.
Lorelai: You will go and take that off of him.
Michel: I will not. We can't all just call everyone 'sweetie' and get away with it.
Sookie: Now, go with me, here. Let's say Mark walks into a hotel room and he sees his wife naked, but it's not his wife, it's his naked sister-in-law, and he has sex with her. Would that be cheating?
Michel: My head hurts.
Lorelai: (laughing) I think no.
Sookie: Really? Lucky.
Michel: If you ask me this union belongs on a public access station. It's against the laws of nature and just this short of completely obscene.
Lorelai: Oh, you won't be giving the wedding toast.
Michel: Oh. Dear.
Lorelai: What?
(male twins have just walked in the front door)
Michel: Are those -- ?
Lorelai: No. It would be too --
(the twin brides rush into their grooms' arms)
Lorelai: -- weird.
Michel: You kept this from me on purpose.
Lorelai: It's like a really snooty Doublemint commercial.
Michel: Just let me know when the midgets and clowns arrive.
(Michel tries to leave)
Lorelai: Oh, no, no, no. You have to get them all settled in.
Michel: I'm not talking to them.
Lorelai: Yes you are.
Michel: Well I'm not talking to them nicely.
Michel: I will never go near those filthy birds.
Lorelai: Why?
Michel: I hate the swans.
Lorelai: These particular swans?
Michel: No, all swans. I was attacked by a band of swans in the Luxembourg Gardens when I was a boy. No one forgets that.
Lorelai: (laughing) Oh no -- not being attacked by a band of swans. Was it an all-boy band? Kind of a scary, feathery 'N Sync kind of fiasco?
Michel: This is not funny.
Lorelai: No, I'm sorry, it's not. It's not funny at all.
(the swans honk and Michel jumps)
Lorelai: (laughing again) Oh my God! Come on, you have to admit, that's a little funny.
Lorelai: Rory, I love you. I would take a bullet for you. But I'd rather stick something sharp in my ear than go to the club with you.
Rory: Fine.
Lorelai: I'd rather slide down a banister of razor blades and land in a pool of alcohol than go to the club with you.
Rory: I got it.
Lorelai: Don't stop me, I'm on a roll. I'd rather eat my own hand than go to the club with you. Ooh, I'd rather get my face surgically altered to look like that lunatic rich lady with the lion head than go to the club with you.
Rory: Would you like me to drive so you can continue your diatribe?
Lorelai: Would ya? Thanks. I'd rather cut off my head and use it as a punch bowl than go to the club with you.
Emily: You brought us used dessert?
Lorelai: It's not used. It's left over.
Emily: (coldly) How nice. I'll just put it in the kitchen next to my half-empty box of Cheer.
Is there a "You're Crazy" team? 'Cause I think they'd make you captain.
Lorelai
Lorelai: I'm talking about that you take my sweaters and you wear them and you stretch them out.
Rory: I couldn't possibly stretch them out! Your boobs are way bigger than mine.
Lorelai: That is not true.
Rory: Yes it is.
Lorelai: Your boobs are totally bigger than mine!
Rory: You're crazy!
Lorelai: Do you want to measure?
Rory: What?
Lorelai: I'm serious. Why don't you get the measuring tape right now?
Rory: I am not going to measure my boobs.
Lorelai: Because you know that you are totally bigger.
Rory: I'm going inside.
Lorelai: Fine, don't measure. We'll just compare bras.
The battle for soup versus salad is raging in the other room. Come quick and settle it, please, as I'm running out of French curse words that they won't understand.
Michel
A crazy evil spirit obsessed with bra size took over my body.
Lorelai
