I have got a sobbing pregnant woman at home, which is not unusual except this time I didn't cause it!

Jackson Belleville

Clara: Is Jess your real name?
Jess: Yes.
Clara: Do you like it?
Jess: It's fine.
Clara: Would you rather be named Bill?
Jess: No.
Clara: Frank?
Jess: No.
Clara: Mike?
Jess: No.
Clara: Bob?
Jess: No.
Clara: Ed?
Jess: (to Dean) Does this belong to you?

Everything that's wrong in your life is my fault. Everything that's wrong in your father's life is my fault. Basically, everything's that wrong is my fault.

Emily

Emily: This couch cannot stay.
Lorelai: Yes, it can.
Emily: It's awful.
Lorelai: It can hear you.
Emily: Please.
Lorelai: No.

Emily: Well, your father's sixtieth birthday dinner is back on.
Lorelai: What sixtieth birthday dinner?
Emily: The one that I had planned for Wednesday night.
Lorelai: Oh, were we coming?
Emily: Of course you were coming. You think you wouldn't be invited?
Lorelai: Well, apparently, we weren't invited.
Emily: I had just started planning the whole thing when he came home in a mood and declared that parties were for children and it was canceled.
Lorelai: Were we disappointed?

(about the school's band uniforms) The plumes are too big and it looks like big red fountains of blood spurting out of our heads.

Lane

Emily: (about Lorelai's house) Is it clean?
Lorelai: Yeah, it's clean.
Emily: If I came in there wearing white gloves, what would I find?
Lorelai: That you could pull a rabbit out of your hat.

Lorelai: I totally suck at buying my father gifts. Especially for his birthday.
Rory: He'll like whatever you get him.
Lorelai: If I slip him a Quaalude, he'll like whatever I get him.

Lorelai: Could you get rid of it?
Dean: Yeah, yeah.
Lorelai: Don't let his family see you. Spiders are vindictive. And this was a really big spider. I think it had a gun.

Paris: There was a ton of presents. I mean hundreds of presents. I'm looking at this mound of gifts and I'm thinking "8 days of Hanukkah", who was the skin flint that thought up that deal?
Rory: Don't the 8 days symbolize something?
Paris: Yes they symbolize 8 days of ripping off kids who can't have a Hanukkah bush.

(in Hungarian) A te országod tele van csúnya emberekkel. (Your country is full of ugly people.)

Michel

Clara: Jess can't throw.
Jess: I can, too.
Clara: You missed every time.
Jess: I can't concentrate with your annoying midget voice yammering on and on. It's like having Stuart Little shoved in my ear.

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