Dave: Whore's bath?
Penny: Ah yeah David, I did take a whore's bath okay? I had a one night stand and didn't have time to shower so did I rub some dryer sheets on my pits and throw some water on my hush at Au Bon Pain? Yes I did.

That girl's so whack, her first name should be knick knack paddy.


You're not the only one who's good at this game Emily Thorne.

Max [to Penny]

I plan on wining, dining and 79ing him. And yes if you're wondering that is 10 better!


Dave: Alex and Dave, much like Dave's new haircut are keeping it cazsh.
Alex: Trust us the last thing we want is for things to get complicated like in It's Complicated, so we're just gonna go with it like in Just Go With It and be friends with benefits like in No Strings Attached.

My smoothie budget is out of control. Daddy don't do domestic papaya!


Penny: Yes! Year of Penny!
Max: The year's been over for a couple of months Pen.
Penny: Not the fiscal year of Penny. Suck it taxpayers!

Quaint. Isn't that the space between a gal's goal and her penalty box?


It's Miss Jackson if you're Va-nasty!


Max: You should watch the gay history channel.
Dave: That's a real thing?
Derek: Yeah it's called Bravo.

Brad get me a new pair of pants, I look like a Turkish Whore master!


Shuttin down the fallopes #menopause.


Happy Endings Quotes

You're sweating on my bruschetta.

Jane [to Brad]

The weird part is, now that I have a guy, everybody wants to set me up. Oh I know Al! I should hook you up with one of my "extras."