I didn't vote for Obama because I didn't respect his March Madness bracket!

Max

Are you back on the sweet and creamy?

Brad [to Max]

What's gonna be open on Christmas? A gas station, drug store, Israel?

Penny

Happy birthday Jane...and Jesus.

Jane

Max: You didn't like Ringling brother for brothers?
Brad: It would've been the greatest show on earf!

Jane: A summer birthday really matches my easy breezy vibe.
Dave: Easy breezy vibe? I thought you had more of a dead of winter, girl with the dragon tattoo, Sarsgaard Murderhouse vibe.

I still can't believe you lied to me about your birthday. I thought you were older than me. I thought I was married to a MILF. Now all those fantasies about her about being my dad's new wife, giving me a bath and swaddling me, don't make sense.

Brad [to Jane]

Jane and Alex's parents are going to sex camp.

Brad

Max: Hello this is not a foursome, you guys are totally fifth wheeling me!
Dave: C'mon man we're not fifth wheeling you, Joey Fatone.
Brad: Yeah you're still part of the group Sporty Spice.
Jane: You're our favorite character Roz from Frasier.

I'm always write about cornplay, I was wrong about Coldplay though, they're still huge.

Brad

Jane: Penny's happy so as her friend you should-
Max: - Probably be trying to break her and Pete up? Yeah I just don't know if that seems like me.

Alex: Always start with your high end meats, skip veggies they'll only fill you up with nonsense.
Mrs. Kerkovich: And?
Alex: Be sure to make sexual eye contact with the carver, your stomach will thank you.

Happy Endings Quotes

My secret is so big that just the tip well be enough.

Penny

Dave: Whore's bath?
Penny: Ah yeah David, I did take a whore's bath okay? I had a one night stand and didn't have time to shower so did I rub some dryer sheets on my pits and throw some water on my hush at Au Bon Pain? Yes I did.