This is not the time for jokes guys. Especially when this is the fattest I've ever been. How could you let me out of the house looking this fat?


C'mon guys, you always leave me hanging with the dirty sound effects.


Your first email address was

Penny [to Dave]

Fat Joey.

Brad [to Max]
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It's like "Weekend at Bernie Mac's" back here.


Dave: I just blew a threesome.
Penny: Two V's and one D? Or two D's and one V?

The doctor said you're lucky you're still alive.


Alex: After I got mistaken for a whore, it made me realize something.
Max: That your grandmother was a whore?

Jane [about her Grandma]: JFK once called her a real Chicago slut.
Penny: Why are you always so proud of that.
Jane: It's Camelot, brew!

No no no no I don't do drills or shots, I can't do pain, ok? Give me the goof juice, just give me the goof juice and don't be bashful, put me under, put me all the way under. I won't get mad if I make in my pants. Seriously I won't sue if I poo.


Not everyone's as terrible as you Penny, with all due respect.


We get it, they're all 69 dollars.

Penny [to Max]

Happy Endings Season 2 Quotes

You're sweating on my bruschetta.

Jane [to Brad]

The weird part is, now that I have a guy, everybody wants to set me up. Oh I know Al! I should hook you up with one of my "extras."