Marshall: Just a Burger? Just a burger. Robin, it's so much more than "just a burger." I mean...that first bite—oh, what heaven that first bite is. The bun, like a sesame freckled breast of an angel, resting gently on the ketchup and mustard below, flavors mingling in a seductive pas de deux. And then...a pickle! The most playful little pickle! Then a slice of tomato, a leaf of lettuce and a...a patty of ground beef so exquisite, swirling in your mouth, breaking apart, and combining again in a fugue of sweets and savor so delightful. This is no mere sandwich of grilled meat and toasted bread, Robin. This is God, speaking to us in food.
Lily: And you got our wedding vows off the Internet!?

Barney: Dude you are so in, a high five doesn't cut it. High Six!
Ted: She didn't see us High Six did she?
Robin: No.
Barney: Good. That was pretty lame.
Ted: Yeah, let's never do that again.

Velour tracksuits! Remote control helicopters! Condoms! And last but not least there is a fleet of limos outside waiting to take us to...A STRIP CLUB! You get a lap dance! You get a lap dance! You're going to give me a lap dance! Everyone gets a lap dance!

Barney

Kids, don't drink tequila.

Ted

People like being lied to. They just don't like finding out they've been lied to.

Barney

Barney [playing laser tag, on phone with Ted]: Hey, loser. How's not playing laser tag? Because playing laser tag is awesome! [kid fires at Barney as he runs by] Oh, I killed you, Conner! Don't make me get your mom!
Ted: Hey, listen, I need your help on something.
Barney: Okay, meet me at the bar in 15 minutes. And suit up!

Lily: Terms, if you can do all that stuff that Marshall just listed off I will let you touch one boob.
Barney: Both boobs!
Lily: Just one.
Barney: Touch and squeeze.
Lily: Just touch.
Barney: Touch and motor boat.
Lily: Just touch.
Barney: Honka honka?
Lily: Barney...
Barney: Just touch
Lily: Just touch.
Barney: For one hour.
Lily: For one second.
Barney: Twenty minutes both boobs.
Lily: Thirty seconds one boob.
Barney: Four minutes, both boobs, three squeezes.
Lily: One minute, both boobs, one squeeze.
Barney: Deal!

Oh my god they're six minutes into the date! Ted has probably already told her that he loves her! We gotta get down there!

Barney

Your girlfriend? She's your girl.. friend? She's a girl and a friend? Do not humanize the enemy, Ted.

Barney

Twas the night before New Years and the weather grew mean. Twas three in the morning and I was stranded in Queens! The tavern grew empty, the gaslights grew dim. The horse-drawn carriages were all but snowed in. Last call was approaching and my fortunes looked bleak, then I turned to my left and stifled a shriek! She had a peach fuzz beard and weighed 16 stone. She gobbled up hot wings..and swallowed the bones. I muffled a scream, and threw up in my mouth. I asked "Where do you live?" and she said "One block south". I swallowed my pride, and six shots of whiskey. And prayed to the Gods that she wasn't too frisky. Back in her cave, she prepared a snack. Beneath her mighty hooves, the floorboards did crack. But when she returned, she found a sound sleeper...and thus she became the Sexless Innkeeper and so are you

Barney

I want American Scotch from Scotland!

Barney

Barney Stinson how may I direct my penis?

Barney

HIMYM Quotes

Think of me like Yoda but instead of being little and green I wear suits and I'm awesome. I'm your bro - I'm Broda!

Barney

You are the love of my life. Everything I have and everything I am is yours. Forever.

Barney