Mondays 8:00 PM on CBS
How-i-met-your-mother

No! Unacceptable! You are going to turn around, you're going to go home, get naked, lay together as man and wife, until Lily is great with child!

Ted

I can't give this suit back, I glow in the dark. Ted, I finally glow in the dark!

Barney

Marshall: Nursery is painted!
Lily: Blue? What if it's a girl?
Marshall: Damnit!

There's an alien growing in my stomach that is going to explode out of my vagina!

Lily

I'm taking the rest of my bonus to God's strip club.

Barney

Velour tracksuits! Remote control helicopters! Condoms! And last but not least there is a fleet of limos outside waiting to take us to...A STRIP CLUB! You get a lap dance! You get a lap dance! You're going to give me a lap dance! Everyone gets a lap dance!

Barney

Lily: I'm pregnant.
Barney: I've never seen that woman before in my life! Sorry force of habit, congratulations!

I am Mr. Charity. I frequently sleep with sixes, chubsters, over thirty's. I am the Bill and Melinda Gates of the sympathy bang.

Barney

Barney: A Yuletide riddle. What is my second favorite word that begins with B-O-N?
Ted: Bon Jovi?
Barney: What is my third favorite that begins with B-O-N? Buzzer... BONUS!

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