Mondays 8:00 PM on CBS
How-i-met-your-mother

Babies are scary, OK? They have giant eyes, and come on, the soft spot? If there's gonna be a self-destruct button, at least hide it somewhere it won't accidently get pressed!

Robin

God, it's me, Barney. What up? I know we don't talk much, but I know a lot of girls call out your name because of me. Awesome

Barney

Marshall [looking inside Barney's "Not a Fathers Day" card]: It appears to be some sort of Asian hooker.
Barney: Yes, because on Not a Fathers Day, you get a Thai you'd actually wear! Wordplay five!

Robin: Anytime you even hear the word kids you get two little lactation stains on your shirt.
Ted: Thank God you're not a mom. You are such an ice queen, any baby nursing from you would get brain freeze!

Lily, no part of Barney Stinson does less than 110%. If one of my Michael Phelps' got loose, he's goin' for the gold!

Barney [referring to possibly impregnating a woman]
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