Mondays 8:00 PM on CBS

Barney: Is the aggregate age of all participants under 83?
Ted: Yes.
Barney: Is the aggregate weight of all participants under 400 pounds?
Ted: Yes.
Barney: Theodore Mosby... are you paying these women?
Ted: What? No!

Marshall: Okay, new scenario: We're caught in a car crash, you die, I'm left paralyzed. Two sexy nurses come in with a 6-pack of wine coolers. I try to blink at them in Morse code [bats eyes] Please... no... I love my dead wife. But they're medical professionals and I have to assume this is good for me.
Lily: Fine, sleep with your nurses. Tonight you ride the unicycle.
Marshall [muttering]: Already did this morning

Marshall: If Lily died, I could ride the tricycle.
Lily: If I died, I'd just come back and haunt your penis.

Ted: They're old sorority sisters.
Lily: Are they Betas? Cause they're all sluts and you can tell them I didn't wanna be in their sorority, anyway!
Ted: They're Kappas.

Barney: Stinson.
Ted: Okay, the beers are here.
Barney: Yeah, we're not gonna make it.
Ted: Oh, come on! We agreed!... Did Marshall take his pants off?
Barney: Yep, pants are off.
Marshall: This is Wimbledon, Ted! I need the freedom and mobility that only underwear can provide! Cheerio!

Ted: What? We agreed! I suited up!
Barney: You take too long to get ready.
Ted: What are you talking about? I got the low-maintenance, just-rolled-out-of-bed look.
Marshall: Which takes about an hour and a half of waxing, tugging and teasing to acheive.
Barney: And then he starts on his hair. Ace!

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