Mondays 8:00 PM on CBS
How-i-met-your-mother

Barney: If Ted raises him the poor kids still gonna be a virgin when he's 13. I'm the obvious choice.
Robin: Hey look, as the only one here packin a vag I got a natural instinct for nurturing and crap like that plus I could teach him how to bow hunt.

Ted: Cleveland sports are still relative. Lebron who? Right guys?
Barney: Ted neither Cleveland or you knows how to get over someone leaving them.

Bro bro bro your broat, gently to the bar. Hit on some sluts then do 10 shots...

Barney

Bro MacDonald had a farm, ee i ee i bro. And on that farm he had some chicks, eei ee i bro. With a hot chick here and a dumb chick there...

Barney

Ted: If called upon, I'd be honored to raise Marvin.
Robin: If you want him to be raised by his underwear on a flagpole, Teds your guy. If you want him pulling the cord on some other nerds panties, I'm your guy.

You smell that? That's the smell of urine that isn't Marvin's.

Marshall

Barney Stinson how may I direct my penis?

Barney
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