Season 5, Episode 5: "Duel Citizenship"
Barney: ...to prove you are as American as apple pie and the childhood obesity it leads to...• Rating: Unrated • Permalink
Robin: How do you know the Canadian citizenship test is easy?
Barney: It's Canada. Question one, do you want to be Canadian? Question two, really?
• Rating: 10.0 / 10 • Permalink
Ted [about him and Marshall]: We were like Lewis and Clark, if Lewis and Clark peed in water bottles and had a bong made out of a cantaloupe
• Rating: 10.0 / 10 • Permalink
Season 5, Episode 4: "The Sexless Innkeeper"
Ted: 'Twas the night before this one, and hours to killI sat in the tavern, grading parchments with quill
A busty young lassie flashed me a grin
Her garb said "classy," but her eyes whispered "sin."
She said, "You're a teacher?" I said, "Yes, indeed!"
"I must have you!" she moaned, "I'm turned on by tweed!"
With haste we did scamper to my chamber anon,
We fell to the couch, and bro, it was on.
I unlaced her bodice, our passions grew deeper,
And thus ends the tale of The Sexless Innkeeper.
• Rating: 10.0 / 10 • Permalink
Robin: usually, it's the innkeeper that offers turndown services
• Rating: Unrated • Permalink
Barney: Twas the night before New Years and the weather grew mean. Twas three in the morning and I was stranded in Queens! The tavern grew empty, the gaslights grew dim. The horse-drawn carriages were all but snowed in. Last call was approaching and my fortunes looked bleak, then I turned to my left and stifled a shriek! She had a peach fuzz beard and weighed 16 stone. She gobbled up hot wings..and swallowed the bones. I muffled a scream, and threw up in my mouth. I asked "Where do you live?" and she said "One block south". I swallowed my pride, and six shots of whiskey. And prayed to the Gods that she wasn't too frisky. Back in her cave, she prepared a snack. Beneath her mighty hooves, the floorboards did crack. But when she returned, she found a sound sleeper...and thus she became the Sexless Innkeeper and so are you
• Rating: Unrated • Permalink
Ted: Barney, are you wearing sweat pants?
Barney: Maybe, but they're Armani!
• Rating: 9.7 / 10 • Permalink
Lily [to Robin and Barney]: We're kind of on a double date with Pey and Shey, and we wouldn't want you guys to feel like a fifth and sixth wheel
• Rating: Unrated • Permalink
Barney: The US Navy discovered aliens at the bottom of the ocean and for reasons I can't explain, they selected Robin and I to lead the expedition
Lily: That sounds like stuff you say to women when you're trying to get rid of them
Marshall: That's exactly what is sounds like, but if it's true that sounds totally awesome
• Rating: Unrated • Permalink
Barney: Ted, you mentioned that you lived upstairs. She saw that tweed jacket which basically says you're not interested in nor probably even capable of having sex and she thought, hey, free lodging
• Rating: Unrated • Permalink
Total Quotes: 655
