Season 1, Episode 7: "Matchmaker"
Ellen: Don't give up hope, Ted. There are new women turning 18 every day• Rating: Unrated • Permalink
Lily: Don't Ted-out about it.
Ted: Did you just use my name as a verb?
Barney: Oh, yeah, we do that when you're not around. "Ted-out": to over think. See also "Ted-up". "Ted-up": to over think with disastrous consequences. For example, "Billy Tedded-up when he-"
Ted: All right, I get it
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Marshall: No, it wasn't a cockroach, it had fur. And only mammals have fur.
Lily: It was a cockroach.
Marshall: Come on Lily, the only way it was a cockroach was if it was wearing the skin of a mouse it just killed.
Lily: Oh my god!
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Ellen: You give me 3 days and I will find the woman you will marry.
Ted: No, thanks. I don't need an algorithm to meet women. It's New York, you know. Plenty of fish in the sea!
Ellen: Plenty of fish in the sea! [grabs a calculator form the desk and starts clicking away] There's 9 million people in New York. 4.5 million women. Of course, you want to meet someone roughly your own age - let's say plus, minus 5 years. So if you take into account the most recent census data that leaves us with 482,000 women. But wait! 48% of those are already in relationships and then you have to eliminate half for intelligence, sense of humor and compatibility. And then you have to take out the ex girlfriends and the relatives. And, oh, you can't forget those lesbians. And then that leaves us with 8 women.
Ted: That can't be right! Eight? Really? Eight?
Ellen: There are 8 fish in that big blue ocean, Ted. And if you feel confident that you can reel one into your boat without me, there's the door.
Ted: Do you take credit cards?
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Robin: Well, I believe that you saw something perfectly normal, but you've exaggerated it in your mind; you know, um, like the Loch Ness Monster.
Marshall: If by "like the Loch Ness Monster," you mean "totally exists and is awesome," then, yeah, it's like the Loch Ness Monster.
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Marshall: Lily, I love you. [grabs cockamouse and run towards window] Robin, open the window! [throws cockamouse out the window]
Robin: It can fly.
Lily, Marshall: Wow.
Marshall: Be free, mutant beast. I'll miss this private war of ours. I grew to admire your tenacious...Oh my God, it's headed this way
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Robin: Oh my God. It's real.
Lily: Oh, is it? Do something. [Robin throws drink at the cockamouse] What the hell was that? You're trying to get it drunk?
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Sarah: Ted, just calm down.
Ted: Calm down! You're my only match! There was a computer and there were 8 fish in the sea full of lesbians
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Ted: Look, don't you think you're being a little impulsive marrying a guy you just met a few months ago?
Sarah: Don't you think it's a little impulsive for you to proposition an engaged woman you don't even know?
Ted: See, we're both impulsive. We're perfect for each other
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Lily: Holy crap. We got it! What do we do with it?
Marshall: Calm down, I have a plan. I told my friend, Sudeep, about it. He wants to show it to the Columbia biology department. But it has to be alive.
Lily: Wait, no, no. They'll do lab experiments on it. That's so mean. Shouldn't we just beat it to death with a bat?
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Total Quotes: 655
