How I Met Your Mother
Season 5 Quotes (Page 7)

Episode 7: "The Rough Patch"

Barney: Sorry Ted. I'm my own wing man tonight. [permalink]

Barney: Open it open it open it open it! It's my porn collection. Wait, no it's not. That would be weird.
Ted: It's your porn collection.
Barney: It's my porn collection! [permalink]

Marshall: What'd you get?
Lily: I got squat.
Marshall: What? I thought I saw you take one.
Lily: I did. It's called Squat. [permalink]

Robin: We watched a movie last night
Barney: It was legen... wait for it... gends of the fall. Not that good. [permalink]

Delivery Guy: I have a sausage pizza delivery
Ted: That sounds the start of one of Barney's videos
Delivery Guy: I don't even know if it's gonna fit in there
Ted: Now you're just quoting it
Delivery Guy: Okay someone has to take this sausage
Ted: Were you in that video? [permalink]

Barney: He's not a doll, he's a storm trooper
Robin: Then why's he wearing a diaper?
Barney: That's not a diaper, that's protective armor
Robin: More like storm pooper [permalink]

Lily [about breaking people up]: I've gone legit I'm done with that racket, I'm now a matchmaker
Ted: Set me up with someone
Lily: Woh, I'm just starting out [permalink]

Ted: They're killing each other!
Lily: They love each other.
Ted: Barney and Robin love each other, but they're not Barney and Robin anymore. They're the fat guy and the old lady.
Marshall: My favorite '70s detective show! [permalink]

Barney [prerecored on porn tape]: Hello, Ted. If you're watching this tape, and I knew you'd pick this one, you're now in posession of my porn. And this can only mean one of two things: either I'm dead or I'm in a committed relationship. If I'm dead I want you to honor my memory by taking my body to the Hamptons and recreate Weekend at Bernies. I want to dance, go fishing, and I want to have sex with a girl. If on the other hand I'm in a committed relationship, as your best friend I have only one request... for the love of god get me out of it [permalink]

Barney: Your girlfriend? She's your girl.. friend? She's a girl and a friend? Do not humanize the enemy, Ted. [permalink]

Episode 6: "Bagpipes"

Robin [about their old neighbors bagpiping]: They're old?
Ted: Really old
Robin: So what did you do?
Ted: I didn't have the heart to tell them to stop, because, hey, good for them. So I just sat down, had a hard candy, nodded politely at some racist comments and left [permalink]

Barney: There are so many great things to do with the human mouth, why waste it on talking? [permalink]

Robin [to Barney]: Why is there bag of panties labeled "April 2006" in your closet?
[permalink]

Barney: Robin and I have been keeping track of how many beds we've had sex in. We've had sex in 83 and a half beds
Ted: A half?
Barney: 19th century ottoman in an antique space [permalink]

Robin: Okay, this is ridiculous. I can't believe these two are still bagpiping
Ted: Enough! It's been six hours1 It must be that new tantric bagpiping that Sting is into
Robin: She keeps yelling at him to play the bigpipes louder, but it sounds like she's bagpiping him pretty hard. There's a glass of water in my bedroom that's vibrating like Jurassic Park
Ted: You have neighbors, so shut the bagpipes up! [permalink]

Episode 5: "Duel Citizenship"

Barney [about Canadian $5 bill]: There's kids playing hockey on the back. It's like you want us to make fun of you! [permalink]

Barney: Canada's not so bad. If they play their cards right they may even become a state one day [permalink]

Barney: ...to prove you are as American as apple pie and the childhood obesity it leads to... [permalink]

Robin: How do you know the Canadian citizenship test is easy?
Barney: It's Canada. Question one, do you want to be Canadian? Question two, really? [permalink]

Ted [about him and Marshall]: We were like Lewis and Clark, if Lewis and Clark peed in water bottles and had a bong made out of a cantaloupe [permalink]