How I Met Your Mother

Mondays 8:00 PM on CBS
How i met your mother
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Ted: Thanks Carl. We can't just be friends, we're attracted to each other and we both know it.
Carl: Excuse me?
Ted: Me and Robin. Me and Robin, I have to make one more call.

Hey, how easy do you think it'll be to sneak into the zoo? I have to see some penguins, like right now.

Ted

Barney, you've always taken care of me. You are a gentleman and a scholar. Go into my stable and take my finest stallion. He's yours, his name is Windjammer

Ted

Lily [reading what's on Ted's arm]: Hi, I'm Ted, if lost, please call...Who's number is that?
Ted: I don't know.
Marshall: Dude, call it. Hold on, I'm gonna make some popcorn

Barney: (to Ted) There's a girl in your bed.
Marshall: And a pineapple. Am I the only one who's curious about the pineapple?

Ted: Why are you sleeping in our tub?
Barney: The porcelain keeps the suit from wrinkling.
Lily: Wait, were you here when I went to the bathroom in the middle of the night?
Barney: Don't worry, I slept through it. I totally didn't sleep through it. For a little girl, you've got a big tank.

I don't say this enough, but you're a great woman, and a great reporter. You should be on 60 Minutes. You should be one of the minutes

Ted [to Robin]

Barney: That's the whole point of getting drunk. You do things you would never do in a million years if you were sober.
Lily: Says every girl you've ever slept with

[on his theory, Carl, the bar tender is a vampire]
Marshall: OK, think about this, is there even a single item on the menu that has garlic in it?
Lily: Garlic fries.
Marshall: OK, well, I'll get back to you

Lily: These look kinda like blood.
Marshall: OK, I know that you've all dismissed this theory before, but is there any chance that Carl is a vampire?
Barney: That's ridiculous.
Marshall: I'm serious. Think about it. He always wears black, we never see him in the daylight, only after dark.
Robin: Oh my God, that does describe a vampire, or you know, a bartender

Barney: Helping people less fortunate than me is the greatest pleasure in the world.
Robin: Yesterday you said the greatest pleasure in the world was having your toes sucked. Then you asked for a high five . . . from your foot

Robin: I am Canadian. Remember? We celebrate Thanksgiving in October.
Ted: Oh right I forgot. You guys are weird and you pronounce the word out, oot
Robin: You guys are the world's leader in hand gun violence; your health care system is bankrupt and your country is deeply divided on almost every important issue.
Ted: ... Your cops are called "mounties"

Displaying quotes 133 - 144 of 296 in total

How I Met Your Mother Season 1 Quotes

Ted: You know what? I'm done being single, I'm not good at it. Look, obviously you can't tell a woman you just met that you love her, but it sucks that you can't. I'll tell you something though, if a woman, not you, just some hypothetical woman, were to bear with me through all this, I think I'd make a damn good husband, because that's the stuff I'd be good at. Stuff like making her laugh and being a good father and walking her five hypothetical dogs. Being a good kisser...
Robin: Everyone thinks they're a good kisser.
Ted: Oh, I've got references

Barney [playing laser tag, on phone with Ted]: Hey, loser. How's not playing laser tag? Because playing laser tag is awesome! [kid fires at Barney as he runs by] Oh, I killed you, Conner! Don't make me get your mom!
Ted: Hey, listen, I need your help on something.
Barney: Okay, meet me at the bar in 15 minutes. And suit up!