How I Met Your Mother

Mondays 8:00 PM on CBS
How i met your mother
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You know, Barney, for anyone else, this would be a new low but sadly for you, it's just a new middle

Lily

Ted: I feel like Richard Gere.
Mary: You're not shy about your looks, are you?

Barney: Do it! Come on Ted, do it! It's one of those things you have to do before you turn 30.
Ted: What? Sleep with a prostitute?
Barney: No, lose your virginity! What Up!

Ted: So Sandy, what do you do? Oh, wait, I know what you do. You're the guy who reads the paper in the morning.
Sandy Rivers: You got me. What do you do, Ted?
Ted: Oh same thing as you. I read the paper every morning. But then after that, I finish my coffee and go to my real job as an architect, where I make an actual contribution to the world. I'm just kidding. Love your show. You're terrific.
Sandy Rivers: Thanks. I never tire of hearing that

Ted: I should just skip this thing entirely. Robin is still pissed at me after, you know.
Barney: You lied and said you were broken up with Victoria before you actually were, so you could try and nail Robin and you end up losing both girls in one night.
Ted: Yes, that's what I meant by "you know".

Marshall: Ted, what does your mom always say?
Ted: Nothing good ever...
Marshall: Nothing good ever happens after 2 a.m.

Ted: I hate how you're always right.
Lily: It's my best, and most annoying, trait

Come on, Lily, how many women can say that they have been personally serenaded by Korean Elvis?

Barney

Little girl: Do you have a fiancé?
Lily: Marshall was here yesterday, they just learned the word fiancé.
Robin: Oh no, I don't have a fiancé.
Little girl: Then who do you live with?
Robin: Well, actually, I've got five dogs.
Little girl: Don't you get lonely?
Robin: No, I've got fiiive dogs
Little girl: My grandma has 5 cats and she gets lonely.
Robin: Well, yea, that's cats, I'm not some pathetic cat lady, not that your grandmother is some pathetic cat lady - doeesss anybody else have questions?
Little boy: Are you a lesbian?
Robin: No! Are you!?

Marshall: Look Barney you tried I think that's great but we're going.
Barney: No! No! Come on.
Marshall: Yes!
Barney: Dude! We haven't hit legendary yet, we're only at the Le, we still got the Gen, the Da, the Ry.
Lily: Ok if were at the Le then I say we follow it up with the Tss go home.
Marshall: Oh wow you just got burned phonic style

Ted, I don't want to swear in front of Korean Elvis, but what the bleep are you doing, dude?

Marshall

Barney: Kids, you don't give half a brown Crayola what I do for a living, do you?
Kids: Noo
Barney: I know what you want. Magic!

Displaying quotes 37 - 48 of 296 in total

How I Met Your Mother Season 1 Quotes

Barney [playing laser tag, on phone with Ted]: Hey, loser. How's not playing laser tag? Because playing laser tag is awesome! [kid fires at Barney as he runs by] Oh, I killed you, Conner! Don't make me get your mom!
Ted: Hey, listen, I need your help on something.
Barney: Okay, meet me at the bar in 15 minutes. And suit up!

Ted: You know what? I'm done being single, I'm not good at it. Look, obviously you can't tell a woman you just met that you love her, but it sucks that you can't. I'll tell you something though, if a woman, not you, just some hypothetical woman, were to bear with me through all this, I think I'd make a damn good husband, because that's the stuff I'd be good at. Stuff like making her laugh and being a good father and walking her five hypothetical dogs. Being a good kisser...
Robin: Everyone thinks they're a good kisser.
Ted: Oh, I've got references