How I Met Your Mother

How I Met Your Mother Season 1 Quotes (Page 5)

Season 1 Episode 14: "Zip, Zip, Zip"

Future Ted: When you meet someone special, suddenly life's full of firsts: the first kiss, the first night together, the first weekend together. For me, all those firsts happened within 48 hours of meeting Victoria.
 • Rating: 5.0 / 5.0

Robin: No. I thought we're just hanging out as friends.
Barney: Oh, come on. You've been throwing yourself at me all night.
Robin: What? I did the opposite, I threw some other girl at you.
Barney: You invited me up to your apartment to play Battleship. Is that not an international recognized term for sex?
 • Rating: Unrated

Season 1 Episode 13: "Drumroll, Please"

Ted: I had the most amazing night ever.
Marshall: Tell me about it! That cake. Best cake I ever had. Seriously, my stomach was like "Hey bro, I don't know what you're eating cause I don't have any eyes but it's basically awesome so keep sending it down."
Lily: Yea I know, my stomach was like "Girlfriend, we don't always get along but that cake..."
 • Rating: 5.0 / 5.0

Marshall: A drum roll?! That's it? So what you just said good night, came home and performed a drum solo?
 • Rating: Unrated

Barney [on the phone]: This better be good. I'm about to enter Nirvana. By the way I should get you Nirvana's phone number, she gives a great massage. Say whaaaat
 • Rating: 5.0 / 5.0

Claudia: What was her name? Was it my fat cousin, Lindsay? Don't be embarrassed, she has pretty eyes
 • Rating: Unrated

Barney: Sorry, buddy, wish I could help you, but my hands are tied. Oh, no wait. That was last night
 • Rating: 5.0 / 5.0

Lily [about the wedding bouquet]: It's such an evil tradition.
Ted: You're not gonna do it at your wedding?
Lily: Hell, yeah! I'm gonna take that flower grenade and chuck it to the crowd and scream, "Crawl for it, bitches!" It's just what girls do
 • Rating: 5.0 / 5.0

Ted: Great I'm gonna need you to call her for me.
Barney: You know I won't.
Ted: Why not?
Barney: Because we just hooked up last night. I can't call the girl the next day, I have to wait at least like...forever, Oh Snap! Never gonna call her
 • Rating: 5.0 / 5.0

Marshall: Ted, how do I explain this to you. Last night, I ate the best cake of my life. Do you think I'm gonna let that cake out of my life? Hell, no. I'm gonna find out what bakery made that cake and I'm gonna get some more cake.
Ted: That cake really got to you?
Marshall: It haunts me.
 • Rating: Unrated

Marshall: Maybe she was a ghost. That's why she didn't want to kiss you because you'd pass right through her and get really cold for a second. Oh my God, I just had a great idea for a screenplay.
Ted: Marshall, she was not a ghost.
Marshall: I know she wasn't a ghost. She picked up a bouquet proving she had corporeal form
 • Rating: Unrated

Victoria: Those big romantic moments... they're great when they happen, but they're not real.
Ted: Exactly. Exactly! Like, like just now, when I saw you doing the chicken dance out there, I'm not gonna lie to you, big time thunderbolt.
Victoria: Hmmm, you should see me tap-dance. You'd be down on bended knee.
Ted: Sadly, not out of character
 • Rating: Unrated

Ted: Listen I'm calling because last night I met this girl, and I was wondering if you had...
Claudia: Oh you have got to be freaking kidding me!
Stuart: Oh here we go...
Claudia: Twenty-four hours ago you were begging...begging me to bring some other girl to my wedding and now, what, you're over her?
Ted: I've moved on
 • Rating: Unrated

Season 1 Episode 11: "The Wedding"

Marshall: You know what, excuse me if I don't wanna get married barefoot in the woods next to Lake No-one's-gonna-drive-that-far. Yes, I want a ballroom and I want a band and I want shoes. I've been dreaming about this day since I was like...
Lily: ...a little girl?
Barney: Whaddup? [gives Lily high five]
 • Rating: 5.0 / 5.0

Ted: Yes, on Saturday, after a little wine and a little dancing...
Barney: Alright, they better be making a new gender, because I'm revoking your dude license.
Ted: Yeah, how was that manicure yesterday?
Barney: Invigorating, thanks
 • Rating: Unrated

Barney: If that dude can bag a 9, I got to be able to bag a 16.
Ted: What's a 16?
Barney: Those two 8's right over there
 • Rating: 5.0 / 5.0

Robin: Lily, I need a dress!
Lily: You're going? That's awesome! Oh, my God, four days to find a dress?
Robin: I know, it's a suicide mission!
 • Rating: Unrated

Lily: Claudia is getting married tomorrow and so help me God if I catch you even so much as breathing the same air as her, I will take those peanuts you're trying to pass off as testicles and I will squeeze them so hard your eyes pop out and then, well feed them to you like grapes!
Barney: Wait, my eyes or my testicles?
Lily: One of each!
 • Rating: 5.0 / 5.0

Ted: Okay, guys, I gotta say something, I think my feelings for Robin may be resurfacing.
Lily: Oh, please, they were buried in a shallow grave
 • Rating: Unrated

Barney: Don't beat yourself up. He'll be fine. I mean, the guy's like a billionaire. He can put his platinum card on a fishing line and win ten chicks hotter than you
 • Rating: Unrated

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