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How-i-met-your-mother

Ted: I'm going over to this girl's house to make juice.
Taxicab driver: Nice!
Ted: Oh no, it's not like that, we're juicing as friends

Marshall: Well, I'm better friends with Ted than you are.
Barney: That is a lie!
Marshall: It is not a lie.
Barney: Okay, that's it! You and me! I'm not afraid of you!
Marshall: I'll show you things you never seen before!
Barney: I used to box in the Army

Lily: I made you a sack lunch [giggles]
Marshall: I love you because, one, you made me a sack lunch, and two, you laugh every time you say the word "sack."

Marshall: I want to give you the package.
Lily: The package? You've already given me the package, you've got a great package, Marshall, I love your package.
Marshall: Lily, you are the most incredible woman I know. You deserve a big package.
Lily: Your package has always been big enough. You may not realize this Marshall Erickson, but you've got a huge package!

Lily: So if those guys pressure you to smoke, what do you say?
Marshall: Only when I'm drunk.
Lily: Good boy

You're different. Now I suppose you could learn to love yourself for the unique little snowflake you are or you could change your entire personality... which is just so much easier

Barney [to Marshall]

Barney: Marshall, I should feel tremors of psych-itude rock my body like a seizure. That was like a declawed, pregnant cat on a porch swing idly swatting at a fly on a lazy Sunday afternoon.
Marshall: Wow, that was really specific

Here's a professional tip, if it's still runny, it's not a cupcake, it's a beverage

Victoria

Victoria: I'm going to meet Ted for our 2 month-iversary.
Robin: Oh great that answers all of the questions I didn't ask

Short in the front, long in the back, that is the mullet of wedding dresses

Robin

Oh, this dress is totally going to get me laid on my wedding night

Lily [trying on wedding dresses]

Lily [about a wedding dress she just found]: Okay, okay, how much is it on a scale from "never" to "never ever"?
Robin: Never ever, ever ever ever times infinity

Displaying quotes 49 - 60 of 296 in total

How I Met Your Mother Season 1 Quotes

Barney [playing laser tag, on phone with Ted]: Hey, loser. How's not playing laser tag? Because playing laser tag is awesome! [kid fires at Barney as he runs by] Oh, I killed you, Conner! Don't make me get your mom!
Ted: Hey, listen, I need your help on something.
Barney: Okay, meet me at the bar in 15 minutes. And suit up!

Victoria: I will tell you my most humiliating story.
Marshall: Yeah, Victoria! Way to step up.
Victoria: OK, it involves a game of Truth or Dare, a squeeze bottle of marshmallow ice cream topping, and the hot tub at my grandparent's retirement community.
Future Ted: ... Kids, I tell you a lot of inappropriate stories, but there's no way I'm telling you this one. Don't worry, it wasn't that great...
Marshall: That is the greatest story ever!

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