How I Met Your Mother

How I Met Your Mother Season 1 Quotes (Page 8)

Season 1 Episode 10: "The Pineapple Incident"

[on his theory, Carl, the bar tender is a vampire]
Marshall: OK, think about this, is there even a single item on the menu that has garlic in it?
Lily: Garlic fries.
Marshall: OK, well, I'll get back to you
 • Rating: Unrated

Lily: These look kinda like blood.
Marshall: OK, I know that you've all dismissed this theory before, but is there any chance that Carl is a vampire?
Barney: That's ridiculous.
Marshall: I'm serious. Think about it. He always wears black, we never see him in the daylight, only after dark.
Robin: Oh my God, that does describe a vampire, or you know, a bartender
 • Rating: Unrated

Season 1 Episode 9: "Belly Full of Turkey"

Barney: Helping people less fortunate than me is the greatest pleasure in the world.
Robin: Yesterday you said the greatest pleasure in the world was having your toes sucked. Then you asked for a high five . . . from your foot
 • Rating: Unrated

Robin: I am Canadian. Remember? We celebrate Thanksgiving in October.
Ted: Oh right I forgot. You guys are weird and you pronounce the word out, oot
Robin: You guys are the world's leader in hand gun violence; your health care system is bankrupt and your country is deeply divided on almost every important issue.
Ted: ... Your cops are called "mounties"
 • Rating: Unrated

Barney: I've done so much good today, I've got, like, a "soul boner"
 • Rating: 5.0 / 5.0

[about his community service]
Barney: I was unfairly punished because the wall belonged to the judge's church.
Ted: You peed on a church?
Barney: I peed in an alley which happened to have a church which I did not see, because I was drunk!
 • Rating: Unrated

Barney: Okay, Ted. I found a way for you to help someone, to do some good. This is Walter. Walter is homeless. And Walter would like a lap dance.
Ted: Are you joking?
Barney: I never joke about the sublime art of burlesque entertainment
 • Rating: Unrated

Season 1 Episode 8: "The Duel"

Lily: On Monday I'm going to have to tell my kindergarten class, who I tell not to run with scissors, how my fiancé ran me through with a broadsword.
Marshall: Technically, it didn't go all the way through.
Lily: I'm sorry, were we having a discussion about the degree to which you stabbed me?
 • Rating: Unrated

Marshall: I stabbed Lily, I stabbed my fiancee.
Ted: Come on Marshall, do you really think she's still your fiancee?
 • Rating: Unrated

Barney: You know what the dating world needs? A "Lemon Law"
 • Rating: 5.0 / 5.0

Barney: You need to mark your territory, and I don't mean missing the toilet
 • Rating: Unrated

Lily: OK, a toast. Life is full of changes. One day you have an apartment, the next day it's a house of dumplings. But the important stuff doesn't change. To the important stuff
 • Rating: Unrated

Lily: He's not cool with me moving in.
Marshall: No, that's not it. I mean, you basically lived here all along. Ted loves you.
Lily: So, what's he PMSing about?
 • Rating: Unrated

Lily: Man, Ted's been acting weird. He started labeling all his food. He even carved "Ted" into that block of cheese.
Marshall: Yeah. Well, now it's Ed's
 • Rating: Unrated

Ted: They're edging me out. They're totally edging me out. I didn't believe it but you're right.
Barney: Told you. That Lily, she's a shrewd one.
Robin: Yeah, she got you a nice new coffeemaker. How dare she!
 • Rating: Unrated

Marshall: Also Lily's coffeemaker doesn't, you know, shock you.
Ted: No. You gotta admit, that shock, wakes you up in the morning
Marshall: You know what else wakes you up in the morning? Coffee
 • Rating: Unrated

Waitress: Hi, how many? Lily.
Lily: Yes, you know me?
Waitress: Yeah, from your homecoming picture. You're much prettier in person.
Lily: Yeah, I know, the bangs were a mistake
 • Rating: Unrated

Daughter: Wait, her apartment? I thought Aunt Lily lived with you and Uncle Marshall.
[flashback to Lily and Robin walking to Lily's apartment]
Lily: I could see how you would think that but I have to have my own place. It's an independence thing.
Robin: When was the last time you were there?
Lily: Three months ago. What? It's like fat pants. You hope you never have to use them but you're glad to know they're there
 • Rating: Unrated

Season 1 Episode 7: "Matchmaker"

Ted: If a cockroach and a mouse can find love in this crazy world, then so can I!
 • Rating: Unrated

Barney: Ted, these chicks are desperate and hot, that's a perfect cocktail, shake well, then sleep with.
Ted: I'm not going to a matchmaker, that's like giving up. It's the man-version of getting a cat
 • Rating: Unrated

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