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How-i-met-your-mother

Barney [to James]: Oh man, I am so excited that you're here! It has been forever since I have been around anyone even remotely fun!
Barney [to Ted, Marshall, Lily and Robin]: Huh... yes offense

Barney [about his brother]: He's the awesomest, most best-lookingest, greatest guy ever!
Lily: He's exactly like Barney.
Barney: That's what I just said.

Marshall: Oh, poor me. I get to order yummy pink drinks with chunks of real fruit that guys secretly like but can't order because they'll be made fun of.
Ted: Dude
Marshall: They're delicious!

Robin: Bras suck. They're so confining and unnatural.
Lily: Yeah, they're like a boobie zoo.

Hold on to your bedsores grandparents from Willy Wonka!

Barney

Barney: (After being slapped by Marshall) Your hands are monsterous.
Marshall: What did you expect? You've seen my penis.

Ted: You are driving me crazy. No wonder your fake husband moved to Hong Kong.
Robin: He moved there for business!

Lily: Like you really need an excuse to watch porn.
Barney: Canadian porn. Trust me when I tell you their universal health care plan doesn't cover breast implants. If I have to watch one more flat-chested Nova Scotian riding a Mountie on the back of a Zamboni, I'm going to go "oot" of my mind.

Barney: Fine, if you wanna know what Robin's secret is...
Ted: You know??!
Barney: Of course I know. She couldn't look at us. Her face got flushed. That's shame, my friend. Our friend Robin used to do porn....wait for it....ography!
Ted: Yea, we didn't really need to wait for that. And it's ridiculous!
Lily: I don't know. He could be right. She does have the fake orgasm noises down.
Ted: Hey!
Lily: What? The walls are thin.
Ted: That's not what I'm 'hey'-ing you about.

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