Mondays 8:00 PM on CBS
How-i-met-your-mother

Ted [about his intervention]: What was it for? The Crocs? The hair product?
Marshall: Not Stella.
Ted: Oh, my God, this was about Stella.
Marshall: I just said, "not Stella," so maybe it was about your poor listening skills, Ted.
Ted: What?
Marshall: It's out of control, see?

Marriage is stupid! Every year there are a million new, hot, 22-year-olds walking into bars, and call me "glass-half-full," but I think they're getting dumber

Barney

Ted: Robin, could I hear yours?
Robin: "Dear Ted, it's 'encyclo-pee-dia', not 'encyclo-pay-dia'. Why do you always say things in the most pretentious way possible? It makes you sound douchey—and that's 'douch-ey', not 'douch-ay'."
Ted: Yeah, you already read that one at my Pronunciation intervention. Where's the letter about Stella?
Robin: I didn't write one. I'm your ex-girlfriend. I figured anything I said on the subject would sound catty. Plus, I'm hotter than her, so who cares?

Robin: Stella's not gonna let you keep half of this junk.
Ted: Why wouldn't she?
Lily: Oh, Ted, oh, sweetie. Okay, here's the thing that guys only learn after they move in with a woman. All of your stuff is stupid

Robin: I'm moving to Japan. It took me a half hour to pack.
Lily: A half hour?
Robin: Well, it would have taken me 20 minutes, but a friend called me in tears

Barney [dressed in old man costume]: In a few minutes, the young me from your time is going to come through that door. Now, Cindy, I know this sounds insane, but in order to save the planet, you need to sleep with him tonight.
Cindy: What? I...
Barney: Sleep with Barney Stinson tonight, in whatever way he wants it, or he won't be able to find the solution to global warming that saves the human race

Lily: You hated that job.
Robin: It wasn't that bad.
Lily: What did they make you call Tropical Storm Hector when they said it was raining "cats and dogs?"
Robin: A furricane.
Marshall: Hey, Ted, "Rock Me Like a Furricane"

Lily: Ted, if you murder me and bury me in New Jersey, I'll hunt you forever.
Ted: But if I murder you and bury somewhere else?
Lily: Hey, I'll leave you alone. I'm sure you had your reasons

Marshall: I hate New York! I'm sorry, but it's true! Today, I was walking around PriceCo. Have you been there? It's huge! All the stores in New York are so cramped! Every time I turn around I knock something over. I'm like some huge monster that came out of the oceans to destroy bodegas! ...I'm too big for New York, okay! I'm always trying to fit into cramped little subway seats, or duck under doorways that were built a hundred and fifty years ago. "Hey, people are bigger now! Build bigger doorways! What the hell is wrong with you?" ...And it's so loud. All the time. Yes, I know it's the city that never sleeps, but guess what? I like to sleep! I've been tired for eight years! Tired and scared, with black and blue marks on my elbows from trying to fit into all these tiny elf doorways! New Jersey's great! It's got huge stores, and lawns, and you never have to carry a cup again! For the rest of your life! I'm not afraid to say it: I love New Jersey! [sees Lily's face] I'm just kidding

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