How I Met Your Mother

How I Met Your Mother Season 5 Quotes (Page 12)

Season 5 Episode 7: "The Rough Patch"

Barney: He's not a doll, he's a storm trooper
Robin: Then why's he wearing a diaper?
Barney: That's not a diaper, that's protective armor
Robin: More like storm pooper
 • Rating: 5.0 / 5.0

Lily [about breaking people up]: I've gone legit I'm done with that racket, I'm now a matchmaker
Ted: Set me up with someone
Lily: Woh, I'm just starting out
 • Rating: 3.0 / 5.0

Ted: They're killing each other!
Lily: They love each other.
Ted: Barney and Robin love each other, but they're not Barney and Robin anymore. They're the fat guy and the old lady.
Marshall: My favorite '70s detective show!
 • Rating: 5.0 / 5.0

Barney [prerecored on porn tape]: Hello, Ted. If you're watching this tape, and I knew you'd pick this one, you're now in posession of my porn. And this can only mean one of two things: either I'm dead or I'm in a committed relationship. If I'm dead I want you to honor my memory by taking my body to the Hamptons and recreate Weekend at Bernies. I want to dance, go fishing, and I want to have sex with a girl. If on the other hand I'm in a committed relationship, as your best friend I have only one request... for the love of god get me out of it
 • Rating: 5.0 / 5.0

Barney: Your girlfriend? She's your girl.. friend? She's a girl and a friend? Do not humanize the enemy, Ted.
 • Rating: 5.0 / 5.0

Season 5 Episode 6: "Bagpipes"

Marshall: I don't care if the dishes are done, if you care, you do it!
Lily: Well I don't care if you have an orgasms, if you care, you do it!
 • Rating: 5.0 / 5.0

Marshall: Aw look at you. Had a girlfriend for five minutes and thinking you're playing with the big boy is adorable... Son, I've been in a relathionship since you had a ponytail and you were playing Dave Matthews on your mama's Casio, I'm a good boyfriend in my sleep. I can rock a killer foot rub at one hand and, brew a kick-ass pot of camomile on the other that would make you weap. Hell, I've forgoten more about microwaving fat-free pop-corn and watching Sandra Bullock movies than you'll ever now but, thanks for your concern rook.
 • Rating: 4.3 / 5.0

Robin [about their old neighbors bagpiping]: They're old?
Ted: Really old
Robin: So what did you do?
Ted: I didn't have the heart to tell them to stop, because, hey, good for them. So I just sat down, had a hard candy, nodded politely at some racist comments and left
 • Rating: 4.0 / 5.0

Barney: There are so many great things to do with the human mouth, why waste it on talking?
 • Rating: 4.8 / 5.0

Robin [to Barney]: Why is there bag of panties labeled "April 2006" in your closet?

 • Rating: 5.0 / 5.0

Barney: Robin and I have been keeping track of how many beds we've had sex in. We've had sex in 83 and a half beds
Ted: A half?
Barney: 19th century ottoman in an antique space
 • Rating: Unrated

Robin: Okay, this is ridiculous. I can't believe these two are still bagpiping
Ted: Enough! It's been six hours1 It must be that new tantric bagpiping that Sting is into
Robin: She keeps yelling at him to play the bigpipes louder, but it sounds like she's bagpiping him pretty hard. There's a glass of water in my bedroom that's vibrating like Jurassic Park
Ted: You have neighbors, so shut the bagpipes up!
 • Rating: Unrated

Season 5 Episode 5: "Duel Citizenship"

Barney [about Canadian $5 bill]: There's kids playing hockey on the back. It's like you want us to make fun of you!
 • Rating: 5.0 / 5.0

Barney: Canada's not so bad. If they play their cards right they may even become a state one day
 • Rating: 5.0 / 5.0

Barney: ...to prove you are as American as apple pie and the childhood obesity it leads to...
 • Rating: 5.0 / 5.0

Robin: How do you know the Canadian citizenship test is easy?
Barney: It's Canada. Question one, do you want to be Canadian? Question two, really?
 • Rating: 4.4 / 5.0

Ted [about him and Marshall]: We were like Lewis and Clark, if Lewis and Clark peed in water bottles and had a bong made out of a cantaloupe
 • Rating: 5.0 / 5.0

Season 5 Episode 4: "The Sexless Innkeeper"

Ted: 'Twas the night before this one, and hours to kill
I sat in the tavern, grading parchments with quill
A busty young lassie flashed me a grin
Her garb said "classy," but her eyes whispered "sin."
She said, "You're a teacher?" I said, "Yes, indeed!"
"I must have you!" she moaned, "I'm turned on by tweed!"
With haste we did scamper to my chamber anon,
We fell to the couch, and bro, it was on.
I unlaced her bodice, our passions grew deeper,
And thus ends the tale of The Sexless Innkeeper.
 • Rating: 5.0 / 5.0

Robin: usually, it's the innkeeper that offers turndown services
 • Rating: Unrated

Barney: Twas the night before New Years and the weather grew mean. Twas three in the morning and I was stranded in Queens! The tavern grew empty, the gaslights grew dim. The horse-drawn carriages were all but snowed in. Last call was approaching and my fortunes looked bleak, then I turned to my left and stifled a shriek! She had a peach fuzz beard and weighed 16 stone. She gobbled up hot wings..and swallowed the bones. I muffled a scream, and threw up in my mouth. I asked "Where do you live?" and she said "One block south". I swallowed my pride, and six shots of whiskey. And prayed to the Gods that she wasn't too frisky. Back in her cave, she prepared a snack. Beneath her mighty hooves, the floorboards did crack. But when she returned, she found a sound sleeper...and thus she became the Sexless Innkeeper and so are you
 • Rating: 5.0 / 5.0

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