How I Met Your Mother

How I Met Your Mother Season 5 Quotes (Page 2)

Season 5 Episode 23: "The Wedding Bride"

Jed: Ah, the ol' ball and chain. Can't wait to make her move out of her beautiful house in New Jersey and make her move into my crappy apartment above a bar!
 • Rating: 4.0 / 5.0

Ted: Move over Adolf Hitler, there's a new king of comedy!
 • Rating: 4.0 / 5.0

Jed: I'm Jed Mosly and I am the most powerful, corrupt architect!! [falls out of chair]
 • Rating: 5.0 / 5.0

Barney: The best baggage is "hates her dad, thinks she's fat when she isn't." Angry sexy on the first date, and by the time you mention breakfast, she's gone! Why do you guys even hang out with me?
 • Rating: 5.0 / 5.0

Barney: Ted, please tell me you're not impugning emotional baggage.
Ted: Baggage is good?
Barney: Emotional baggage is the bedrock of America's most important cultural export.
Robin: Porn?
Barney: Actually, it's porn.
 • Rating: Unrated

Marshall: Please, I don't have any baggage.
Lily: Mommy issues.
Marshall: No.
Lily: Grandmother issues.
Marshall: Nah.
Lily: Great-grandmother issues.
Marshall: I just don't like when she picks me up!
 • Rating: Unrated

Lily: You are so sweet sweet, sweet [Marshall leaves, turns to Robin] Sweet mother of God he's annoying sometimes.
 • Rating: Unrated

Ted: Things are going great, but ...
Robin: Ah ...
Ted: That's the issue.
Barney: Her butt?
Ted: No. Everyone has baggage. Things go great until the point where you realize everything's ruined.
Barney: When she turns 30.
 • Rating: Unrated

Royce: Ted, please. It's not that big a deal. I've been left at the altar before too. Three times in fact.
 • Rating: Unrated

Barney: Kiss him! Kiss him!
Older Ted: Uncle Barney didn't say "kiss."
Theater employee: Sir, you need to leave. Now.
Barney: This is outrageous. Who the kiss are you?!
 • Rating: 5.0 / 5.0

Marshall: Wait, you actually used Jed Mosly's catchphrase?
Ted: Oh yeah ... How do you know that's his catchphrase?
Marshall: [pauses] Hey, I wanted to see Avatar.
 • Rating: Unrated

Season 5 Episode 22: "Robots vs. Wrestlers"

Barney: Zha Zha Gabor still looks good.
 • Rating: Unrated

Barney: I'm gonna die alone. Ted's gonna be eaten by cats!
 • Rating: 5.0 / 5.0

Barney: One word. Made up. Douchepocalypse!
 • Rating: 4.9 / 5.0

Marshall: So, funny thing about Willem Dafoe. His name sounds like it's being spoken by a frog, then a parrot. Willem. DA-FOE! Willem. DA-FOE!
 • Rating: 4.7 / 5.0

Barney: Ted, you are out of the gang FOREVER!
Ted: I'll see you guys tomorrow?
 • Rating: 5.0 / 5.0

Marshall: Aww ... Lilllly ... babieeeeees!
Barney: I hope Ted is miserable right now.
 • Rating: Unrated

Barney: You leave me no choice. If you have a daughter, the MINUTE she turns 18 ... GONNNNNNNNNG!
 • Rating: 4.8 / 5.0

Barney: Rule #83. If anything coming out of that child's mouth lands on me, I get to touch Lily's boobs.
Marshall: Dude, what is it with you and my wife's boobs tonight?
 • Rating: Unrated

Ted: [thinking while reading poetry] I sound kind of douchey. I can't stop myself!
 • Rating: Unrated

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