How I Met Your Mother

How I Met Your Mother Season 5 Quotes (Page 9)

Season 5 Episode 11: "Last Cigarette Ever"

Don: Look, Robin. You seem like a nice kid, but this is my 39th morning news show, and from those 39 shows I've learned a few things. 1. Avoid the all you can eat sushi buffet in Bismarck. 2. Don't go to the bathroom with your lapel mic still on, and 3. Your entire audience at this hour is one half-drunk slob sitting in his underwear.
Robin: Well let's do a great show for that half-drunk slob.
 • Rating: Unrated

Lily: Maybe smoking isn't so bad. It gets us out in the fresh air.
Barney: Yeah and all the coughing really works my abs.
 • Rating: Unrated

Robin: If I can't even get my best friends to watch my show, then what viewers can I possibly get?
Marshall: Lots of people! Bed-ridden insomniacs ... bums peering in department store windows ... people in the ER, where the TV is in a cage and you can't change the channel ...
Lily: Ooh, do you have any stalkers?
Robin: Yeah, but even Leonard won't watch.
 • Rating: Unrated

Barney: Remember when we used to be able to smoke IN bars?
[flash back to smoke-filled haze]
Ted: Hey dude, I think that hot girl over there is smiling at me.
Barney: Uhh, that's a chair. But yeah, dude, hit that!
 • Rating: 5.0 / 5.0

Ted: They're dividing our group into smokers and non-smokers. That's not healthy.
Barney: You're right. [pause] Let's go have a smoke!
 • Rating: Unrated

Barney: What do you think cigarettes are doing right now? Do you think they're thinking of us?
 • Rating: 5.0 / 5.0

Barney: I am not a smoker. I only smoke in certain situations: post-coital, when I'm with Germans, sometimes those two overlaps, coital, birthdays, to annoy my mom, pre-coital, on a sailboat, the day The Mets are mathematically eliminated every year, and, of course, wait for it, cause lord knows I have, pregnancy scares.
Ted: Why are you smoking right now?
Barney: I'm always pre-coital, Ted.
 • Rating: 4.9 / 5.0

Don: You're stuck in a dead end gig, surrounding by people going, doing the news in your tightie whities.
Robin: That underwear thing as your choice, and I don't like that it's catching on.
 • Rating: Unrated

Don: My colonoscopy had more viewers than this show. At least that had some twists and turns.
 • Rating: 1.0 / 5.0

Ted: Come on, take it to the roof, we said no smoking after you torched the throw rug doing push ups.
Marshall: Yeah, God robin. Not only is that a filthy habit... but can I bum one?
 • Rating: 4.0 / 5.0

Robin: See my show?
Ted: I meant to watch it. I was just so busy with the being asleep thing, it took eight hours right down the drain.
 • Rating: 5.0 / 5.0

Season 5 Episode 10: "The Window"

Student: You just wrote "Maggie" on the board?
Ted: Oh. That? No. It stands for: Make ... adjustments ... go ... get it energized!
 • Rating: 5.0 / 5.0

Student: We get you for the full hour.
Ted: Oh come on. Who really wants to sit here and listen to me blab about bridges for an hour? [hands go up; Ted is moved] Really?!
 • Rating: 5.0 / 5.0

Barney: [on phone] Ten minutes and the window's closed.
Ted: What? Ten minutes?!
Barney: Because we're bros.
 • Rating: 1.0 / 5.0

Marshall: I work for Goliath National Bank, the most evil place in history!
 • Rating: 1.0 / 5.0

Old Marshall: It's not that the wings are too hot, it's that I already had wings earlier. Much earlier.
 • Rating: 5.0 / 5.0

Ted: I forgot what it feels like to chase the real thing but I think I'm ready again.
Barney: Yeah...let me tell you were I'm at.. I want to have sex with a girl so I can take off these overalls.
 • Rating: 5.0 / 5.0

Jim: I've been in love with her for five years.
Ted: I've been in love with her for twelve years.
Barney: I've been in these overalls for an hour and a half.
 • Rating: 5.0 / 5.0

Barney [to random girl]: Hey.
Robin: Oh, he's not saying hello, he's just telling you what he feeds his horses. Oh man, I could sit here and make "you look like a farmer" jokes all night. Challenge accepted.
 • Rating: 5.0 / 5.0

Barney [about Marshall's overalls]: No one, I mean no one could get laid wearing these. Challenge accepted. I, Barney Stinson, of sound mind and amazing body will wear these overalls until have sex with a woman.
 • Rating: 4.7 / 5.0

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