This music sounds like whales raping each other.

Mac

All of my instincts and my training are telling me to use this like a weapon.

Mac

Charlie: I'm serious I will eat that eraser whole.
Principal: You don't need to eat the eraser to prove your point, you have the job.
Charlie: Are you serious?
Principal: I love your atittude.
Charlie: Sir, I'm not gonna let you down. I'm gonna start cleaning immediately. But, first, can I eat the eraser?
Principal: You're saying you want to eat the eraser?
Charlie: I'm asking you if it's edible cause it certainly smells of grapes.
Principal: I don't think it's edible.
Charlie: Can't I just test it?
Principal: I'd rather you didn't. I might need it later.
Charlie: Alright, you win this one. I'll pick up one of my own and I'll eat that one. That way everyone wins.

I named him Peter Peter Nickel Eater, because last night in the car he tried to eat a nickel.

Dee

Goddamn I hate gin. Dee, you bitch!

Dennis

I'm gonna whip this little bitch in the face if she makes a peep.

Frank

I hate listening to people's dreams. It's like flipping through a stack of photographs. If I'm not in any of them and nobody's having sex, I just don't care.

Dennis

Somebody needs to take care of Mac...because the man is carrying around trash bags filled with Mexican foods.

Dennis

Charlie: what is your spaghetti policy?
Dee: Are you hearing this? He doesn't belong in a place like this.

Mac: He doesn't have any poison.
Charlie: I don't have any on me, but I do keep some in my fridge at home in the relish jar.
Frank: There's poison in that jar? I thought I was allergic to pickles. What's in the jar with the skull and crossbones?
Charlie: Well that's mayonnaise. It's a decoy.
Frank: And the mayo?
Charlie: That's shampoo.
Frank: You're telling I've been putting shampoo on my sandwiches?
Charlie: If you've been using the mayonnaise, then yeah, probably.

Mac: No, your other left.
Charlie: My other left? I only have one left.
Mac: It's just an expression. Just move it to the other direction.
Charlie: What would that expression be for? For someone with two lefts?
Mac: No, just move it the other way.
Charlie: Towards your left?
Mac: Your left and my left are the same left because we're facing the same direction.
Charlie: Eh, we're two different people so we can't have the same left. It doesn't make sense.

Without the sunglasses, Weekend at Bernie's would have been a very dark, strange tale.

Dennis

It's Always Sunny Quotes

Dee: You've been really stressed so I thought I'd take you to a spa day. Just the two of us.
Charlie: A what day?
Dee: Spa day
Charlie: What is this word, spa? I feel like you're starting to a say a word and you're not finishing it. Spaghetti? Are you taking me to a spaghetti day?

Charlie: what is your spaghetti policy?
Dee: Are you hearing this? He doesn't belong in a place like this.