This music sounds like whales raping each other.


All of my instincts and my training are telling me to use this like a weapon.


I named him Peter Peter Nickel Eater, because last night in the car he tried to eat a nickel.


Charlie: I'm serious I will eat that eraser whole.
Principal: You don't need to eat the eraser to prove your point, you have the job.
Charlie: Are you serious?
Principal: I love your atittude.
Charlie: Sir, I'm not gonna let you down. I'm gonna start cleaning immediately. But, first, can I eat the eraser?
Principal: You're saying you want to eat the eraser?
Charlie: I'm asking you if it's edible cause it certainly smells of grapes.
Principal: I don't think it's edible.
Charlie: Can't I just test it?
Principal: I'd rather you didn't. I might need it later.
Charlie: Alright, you win this one. I'll pick up one of my own and I'll eat that one. That way everyone wins.

I'm gonna whip this little bitch in the face if she makes a peep.


Goddamn I hate gin. Dee, you bitch!


Without the sunglasses, Weekend at Bernie's would have been a very dark, strange tale.


Mac: No, your other left.
Charlie: My other left? I only have one left.
Mac: It's just an expression. Just move it to the other direction.
Charlie: What would that expression be for? For someone with two lefts?
Mac: No, just move it the other way.
Charlie: Towards your left?
Mac: Your left and my left are the same left because we're facing the same direction.
Charlie: Eh, we're two different people so we can't have the same left. It doesn't make sense.

Charlie: I'll totally pull a Good Will Hunting on those kids and that'll put them in their place.
Mac: How you gonna do that?
Charlie: Well, you've seen the movie right?
Mac: Yeah.
Charlie: So all I gotta do is, I'll ask them some big shot, like math or science, history-type college question aand that will totally stump them by knowing a lot more about the answer than they do.
Mac: In that movie, Matt Damon played a genius janitor, you're just a janitor.
Charlie: Right, you stumped me with that one.

Mac: He doesn't have any poison.
Charlie: I don't have any on me, but I do keep some in my fridge at home in the relish jar.
Frank: There's poison in that jar? I thought I was allergic to pickles. What's in the jar with the skull and crossbones?
Charlie: Well that's mayonnaise. It's a decoy.
Frank: And the mayo?
Charlie: That's shampoo.
Frank: You're telling I've been putting shampoo on my sandwiches?
Charlie: If you've been using the mayonnaise, then yeah, probably.

Charlie: what is your spaghetti policy?
Dee: Are you hearing this? He doesn't belong in a place like this.

Mac: Bro, when you tack on mass, you sacrifice flexibility. That's just a straight up fact
Charlie: That's insane. Touch your toes.
Mac: What am I a gymnast?

It's Always Sunny Quotes

Mac: Fight Milk! The first alcoholic dairy based protein drink for bodyguards!
Charlie: By bodyguards! I drink it every morning so I can fight like a crow.

Naked pics online? That's disgusting. On a website? There's so many of them though. Where? Which one?