Thursdays 10:00 PM on FX
Its-always-sunny-in-philadelphia

Mac: Okay, I'm going to run Ops. That door is the only entrance/exit,
so if anyone enters, I'll spring off the balcony.
Dennis: No, no. That's a 50 foot drop.
Mac: And I'm a professional, so I will tuck and roll the landing.
Dennis: You're gonna tuck and roll through a 50 foot drop?
Mac: Dennis, if I had a gun with me, I'd be spraying bullets into the
air as I fell.

Charlie: Frank's taking me under his wing. Teach me how to swim with the sharks.
Dennis: Charlie can't read.
Frank: He'll adapt.
Dennis: He'll adapt to reading?

Thank you all for coming to our Beer and Beef and Jesus. As you know, I'm as sick as a three-legged dog on the streets of India. Any minute, my lungs are going to sizzle pop and disintegrate into a liquid lung and organ gumbo soup.

Charlie's Mom

Charlie's Mom: I don't like this speech. The speech is too graphic.
Mac: It needs to be graphic to get their attention! (to Charlie) This bitch is driving me crazy.

Charlie's Mom: I feel like I'm lying.
Mac: You're not lying, Mrs. Kelly. You're really dying of cancer.
Artemis: It's devouring your insides, but we need it to look like it's devouring your outsides so it plays better for our audience (winks at Charlie and Mac).

Mac: It's the Holy Trinity: Beef and beer and Jesus.

Charlie: Where's your mom going?
Mac: Oh, she keeps a cigarette burning out on the steps outside, so she's gonna go hack a butt.

Charlie: How's is this realistically going to solve our problem? Dennis, what do you think of this?
Dennis: Shh shh! I'm just trying to embrace this, maybe knock some emotion loose.

Mac: I picture anything but black.
Dr. Jinx: Didn't you ever watch The Cosby Show when you were comin' up?
Mac: Oh, no. My parents would never allow anything like that.

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