[to Mac] You know what dude, hear me out for a second okay. Now technically, that stain did appear to me. Also I am familiar with carpentry and I don't know who my father is. So, am I the messiah? I don't know, I could be, I'm not ruling it out.

Charlie

Charlie: Here's a confession: I'm in love with a man. What? I'm in love with a man... a man named God. Does that make me gay? Am I gay for God? You betcha.

Frank: Hey gang, what's the action?
Dennis: What's going on here?
Frank: Asians love gambling!
Sweet Dee: You know these guys?
Frank: Yeah, from Nam.
Mac: You were in Vietnam?
Dennis: Don't get excited Mac, he was in Vietnam ten years ago on a business trip.

Dennis: All right. These are for you. There's a steel toe in there. Don't be afraid to use it.
Flip Flop Kid: Thanks, Dad.
Dennis: I'm not your Dad.

Mac: All right, kids, how you feeling?
Ducks' Team: Good.
Mac: Good? Doesn't sound good. Are you drinking the Red Bull? Come on, chug 'em down!
Ducks' Player: I feel sick.
Mac: That's the vitamins ripping out the inside of your stomach. That's a good thing, trust me.

Waitress: I wrote down my phone number.
Charlie: Wow!
Waitress: Please... please, Charlie, please don't make me regret giving this to you.
(The waitress hands a folded piece of paper to Charlie)
Charlie: No absolu... absolutely not. No, this will be a platonic sponsor, sponsoree kind of a thing. (He unfolds the piece of paper) Oh... no shi... I was so close.

Now as long as you hurt the other kid as bad or worse than he hurts you, you will have done your job. And I'll be proud of you.

Dennis

Dee: You know these guys?
Frank: Ya, from 'Nam.
Mac: You were in Vietnam?
Dennis: Don't get excited Mac, he was in Vietnam 10 years ago on business trip.
Frank: Beautiful country.

Charlie: What's that made out of?
Dennis: It's a board, so it's, you know, made out of wood.
Mac: It's like particleboard.
Charlie: That's like harder than wood, dude.
Mac: It's actually softer than wood.

Frank: All right, here's what you're going to do. You're going to take all the weight on your neck. Then you're going to jam your legs down and hyper-extend your ankles, and then shoot back up and lock your knees in place.
Dee: Not one of those things sounds right to me. At all.

Are you happy now?! I just punched a hole in my wall!

Dee

Frank: You're not ready for this fight, you're not...
Dee: Oh, I have an idea, dad! Why don't you shut your fat little monkey face, and hold the bag?!

It's Always Sunny in Philadelphia Season 2 Quotes

Dennis, your mother is a dirty, dirty whore.

Frank

Mac: Dennis' mom tried to have sex with me!
Charlie: Interesting...
Mac: Yeah man, she got naked... she came on to me. I mean, that woman is straight crazy, but I think I wanna bang her, man. I know I shouldn't do it...
Charlie: I think you should do it!
Mac: What?
Charlie: Look, an opportunity like this only comes around once in a lifetime right?
Mac: Right!
Charlie: And so you'd be a fool to let it slip through your fingers.
Mac: Yeah! That's what I'm thinking! But... it's Dennis' and Dee's Mom...
Charlie: Well that means that no one ever ever is going to find out.
Mac: That doesn't make any sense...
Charlie: It doesn't have to make sense!
Mac: You're right! I'm gonna do it!