Mondays 10:30 PM on FX

Sent here? What are you, a letter? Nobody sent you.

Jack Dahl

In 10 years, you're gonna be teaching comedy at a community college and you'll be falling asleep to the Late Show... with Jerry Seinfeld. You're circling failure in a rapidly declining orbit.

Garry Marshall

Shit... there's not even enough time to jerk off.

Just don't clean here ever again.

Louie [after Housekeeping calls despite do not disturb sign]

They're all the same. They're all made from the same Asian suffering. There's no difference

Louie [on getting the best machine]

You have to do research. You have to go on Amazon and read a really long review written by an insane person... who's been dead for months because he shot his wife and then himself after explaining to you that the remote is counterintuitive. It's got really small buttons on the remote he said before he murder-suicided his whole family.

Louie [on consumerism being a job]

Louie [on when Afghanistan kids find out about war] They find out. They find out when they ask, "How come Uncle Henry's head is gone now?"

You try to keep your kids safe and if you aren't doing it perfectly then why are you doing it at all? It's like this thing that starts to dawn on you. Like if my kids get in the car with me they have to buckle up. I'm not even starting this car until you buckle your seatbelts. And if we get in a taxi, it's fine. It's okay. Taxis are magic. Nobody dies. Just get in. Just go. I'm not diggin' in the seat for a belt. There's no way I'm blindly diggin' in to the Egyptian hepatitis and severed toes so you can put on your seatbelt. You gotta put on your own mask before helping the others. I'm not going through that. So, my kids get in a cab and they just hurdle through space at a speed determined by a profit motive of an exhausted man from another country where life is shit cheap, where kids die all day and it's boring.

You can't just drift through life and hope that love is going to float into you like plankton into a whale's f*cking mouth.

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