Louie

Louie Quotes (Page 2)

Season 3 Episode 8: "Dad"

Louie: I haven't seen my dad in two years.
Shaved Head Guy: I haven't seen my dad since he died.
Louie: Sorry about that.
Shaved Head Guy: Think about that, you quee-ah.
 • Rating: Unrated

Doctor: What else is going on?
Louis: I got work and kids. It's hard sometimes. Boilerplate misery. Alone in the world.
Might as well be a maggot sucking a dead cat's face. What's the point... nothing
 • Rating: 1.0 / 5.0

Jimmy Norton [after Louie throws up]: Jesus, Louie! You got me right in the face!
 • Rating: 2.0 / 5.0

Sarah Silverman: Jim, why do you have a child's crude drawing of a woman with a scraggly bush sucking a huge cock?
 • Rating: 3.0 / 5.0

Excelsior: When I was a boy, I had a horse given to me by my father. And when I went away to school, I gave that horse to your father to care for. And, in three months, he let my horse die. (Long awkward pause) Louie, let me ask you something (holds up his middle finger as if giving Louie the finger) when man has intercourse with a prostitute, he covers his organ with protection (mimics the rolling on of a condom onto his middle finger) so the he won't catch her retchidness. He is acting in the interest of his family, so that he won't take it home to his wife. (Louie asks, "that's the question?") But, between a father and his son (mimics unrolling of condom off finger), there can be no separation. No boundary. A father calls, a son answers. A father beckons, a son comes! (still holding his middle finger in Louie's face) This is for life, Louie. For life!
 • Rating: Unrated

Season 3 Episode 7: "Ikea; Piano Lesson"

Pharmacist: Are you taking water with it? (Yes) And food? (Yes, I've been taking it with my meals) And have you been urinating regularly? (Ugh. Yes, I have) How many times did you urinate today? (Well, I, uh, 3 times? I urinated 3 times today.) Did you have a bowel movement today? (Yes I did! I had a bowel movement!) What was it like? Was it soft?... was it hard? Or was your bowel movement normal? (Well, it was probably soft, but mostly normal) You should be fine.
 • Rating: Unrated

Maria: Hi, so listen either you gave me the crabs or I gave you the crabs but anyway I have the crabs and you were inside me last week so you got the crabs, too... Uh, so, f**k you! Or sorry. I don't know which one.
 • Rating: Unrated

Dolores: I owe you a blow job... So, notify me when you want me to - suck it.
 • Rating: Unrated

Louie: It's a rug! It's fine! That's the level of passion a rug warrants. It's a rug. It doesn't solve all my problems. But it doesn't make me angry. It's a rug. It doesn't smell bad. It's flat. It's blue. It goes on the floor. It's not coated with AIDS. And it's not a portal to a nether place. It doesn't make me cum, but it's fine.
 • Rating: 5.0 / 5.0

Dolores: If you go with me, I promise to give you a blowjob...I'm not asking for charity from you. I don't need your help. I'm just saying if you offer it, I'll suck your... d**k.
 • Rating: Unrated

Season 3 Episode 6: "Barney; Never"

Never: My mom says any choice I make is okay because I love myself.
 • Rating: Unrated

Louie: Because you eat raw meat and you s**t in the tub and you wreck everything. And as long as you act like that, no one's gonna like you, no one's gonna want to be around you.
 • Rating: 5.0 / 5.0

Louie [to Never]: You want me to give you raw meat in a bowl? Your mother gives you that?
 • Rating: Unrated

Never's Mom: Also I need you to know that I don't say 'no' to him." (quickly walks away and hails a cab) "And he can't eat anything with carbon in it. It's all from China!
 • Rating: 4.0 / 5.0

Never's Mom: I know we're not friends, but I know you're the only person at this school who I can confide in and trust.
 • Rating: Unrated

Never's Mom: I'm having my vagina removed... I want to get rid of my vagina before Easter.
 • Rating: 5.0 / 5.0

Robin [impersonating Barne]: Hey Robby, you gotta come down and check out the tits on this new Chilean broad down at Sweet Charity.
 • Rating: Unrated

Louie: When he (Barney) died, I felt nothing. I didn't care. But I knew - when I pictured him going in the ground - and nobody's there, he's alone, it gave me nightmares.
 • Rating: Unrated

Louie [after Robin reveals Barney is his ex-wife's brother]: So... he was important to you? (pause) I'm pretty sure he was the biggest piece of s**t I ever knew.
 • Rating: Unrated

Season 3 Episode 5: "Daddy's Girflriend (Part 2)"

Liz [after Louie asks why she wants him to walk]: Yes, you're fat. And I have not tits. Let's be honest. That's the only way I'll stay with you.
 • Rating: Unrated

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