Mondays 10:30 PM on FX

I've been having a lot of trouble sleeping as we all should. I dunno. You don't live that long. It doesn't matter. I mean, life isn't that long. Eighty some odd years. Buy some shit. Use it. It breaks. Try to fuck somebody. Hope your shits don't hurt too bad. I'm 44 now - you start doing that math. And it's happy math now. Like, when you're in your 20s, you're like, 'how long will my life seem? I hope it's a nice long story and I hope like I feel I didn't die too soon. You get to your forties and you're like, 'I'm almost there, man. Alright! Yeah!

Why are you being such a little pussy about this? He's your
father. It's not like he touched your dick or anything.


Louie: I haven't seen my dad in two years.
Shaved Head Guy: I haven't seen my dad since he died.
Louie: Sorry about that.
Shaved Head Guy: Think about that, you quee-ah.

Doctor: What else is going on?
Louis: I got work and kids. It's hard sometimes. Boilerplate misery. Alone in the world.
Might as well be a maggot sucking a dead cat's face. What's the point... nothing

Jesus, Louie! You got me right in the face!

Jimmy Norton [after Louie throws up]

Jim, why do you have a child's crude drawing of a woman with a scraggly bush sucking a huge cock?

Sarah Silverman

When I was a boy, I had a horse given to me by my father. And when I went away to school, I gave that horse to your father to care for. And, in three months, he let my horse die. (Long awkward pause) Louie, let me ask you something (holds up his middle finger as if giving Louie the finger) when man has intercourse with a prostitute, he covers his organ with protection (mimics the rolling on of a condom onto his middle finger) so the he won't catch her retchidness. He is acting in the interest of his family, so that he won't take it home to his wife. (Louie asks, "that's the question?") But, between a father and his son (mimics unrolling of condom off finger), there can be no separation. No boundary. A father calls, a son answers. A father beckons, a son comes! (still holding his middle finger in Louie's face) This is for life, Louie. For life!


Are you taking water with it? (Yes) And food? (Yes, I've been taking it with my meals) And have you been urinating regularly? (Ugh. Yes, I have) How many times did you urinate today? (Well, I, uh, 3 times? I urinated 3 times today.) Did you have a bowel movement today? (Yes I did! I had a bowel movement!) What was it like? Was it soft?... was it hard? Or was your bowel movement normal? (Well, it was probably soft, but mostly normal) You should be fine.


Hi, so listen either you gave me the crabs or I gave you the crabs but anyway I have the crabs and you were inside me last week so you got the crabs, too... Uh, so, fuck you! Or sorry. I don't know which one.

Displaying quotes 19 - 27 of 57 in total