Mondays 10:30 PM on FX
Louie

When I was a boy, I had a horse given to me by my father. And when I went away to school, I gave that horse to your father to care for. And, in three months, he let my horse die. (Long awkward pause) Louie, let me ask you something (holds up his middle finger as if giving Louie the finger) when man has intercourse with a prostitute, he covers his organ with protection (mimics the rolling on of a condom onto his middle finger) so the he won't catch her retchidness. He is acting in the interest of his family, so that he won't take it home to his wife. (Louie asks, "that's the question?") But, between a father and his son (mimics unrolling of condom off finger), there can be no separation. No boundary. A father calls, a son answers. A father beckons, a son comes! (still holding his middle finger in Louie's face) This is for life, Louie. For life!

Excelsior

Are you taking water with it? (Yes) And food? (Yes, I've been taking it with my meals) And have you been urinating regularly? (Ugh. Yes, I have) How many times did you urinate today? (Well, I, uh, 3 times? I urinated 3 times today.) Did you have a bowel movement today? (Yes I did! I had a bowel movement!) What was it like? Was it soft?... was it hard? Or was your bowel movement normal? (Well, it was probably soft, but mostly normal) You should be fine.

Pharmacist

Hi, so listen either you gave me the crabs or I gave you the crabs but anyway I have the crabs and you were inside me last week so you got the crabs, too... Uh, so, fuck you! Or sorry. I don't know which one.

Maria

I owe you a blow job... So, notify me when you want me to - suck it.

Dolores

It's a rug! It's fine! That's the level of passion a rug warrants. It's a rug. It doesn't solve all my problems. But it doesn't make me angry. It's a rug. It doesn't smell bad. It's flat. It's blue. It goes on the floor. It's not coated with AIDS. And it's not a portal to a nether place. It doesn't make me cum, but it's fine.

If you go with me, I promise to give you a blowjob...I'm not asking for charity from you. I don't need your help. I'm just saying if you offer it, I'll suck your... dick.

Dolores

My mom says any choice I make is okay because I love myself.

Never

Because you eat raw meat and you shit in the tub and you wreck everything. And as long as you act like that, no one's gonna like you, no one's gonna want to be around you.

You want me to give you raw meat in a bowl? Your mother gives you that?

Louie [to Never]

Also I need you to know that I don't say 'no' to him." (quickly walks away and hails a cab) "And he can't eat anything with carbon in it. It's all from China!

Never's Mom

I know we're not friends, but I know you're the only person at this school who I can confide in and trust.

Never's Mom

I'm having my vagina removed... I want to get rid of my vagina before Easter.

Never's Mom
Displaying quotes 25 - 36 of 57 in total

Louie Quotes

That's young nervous penis. When you're 24 and single, your penis is like the young, nervous guy in the World War II movie in the foxhole. Any sound your penis hears, it's like, 'WHAT WAS THAT?!? LET'S GO! LET'S GO LET'S GO! I'm married in my 50s. My penis is relaxed. My penis is sitting in the chair, smoking a pipe, reading the paper. My penis is like Bing Crosby. It hears a noise it's like 'I think I heard a noise, could be a hand, could be a vagina, bub bub bub.

Alan

This is the worst thing that's ever happened to me, and my dad hung himself in front of me, while masturbating.

Ben
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