Louie Quotes
Hey Robby, you gotta come down and check out the tits on this new Chilean broad down at Sweet Charity.
Robin [impersonating Barne]
When he (Barney) died, I felt nothing. I didn't care. But I knew - when I pictured him going in the ground - and nobody's there, he's alone, it gave me nightmares.
So... he was important to you? (pause) I'm pretty sure he was the biggest piece of shit I ever knew.
Louie [after Robin reveals Barney is his ex-wife's brother]
Yes, you're fat. And I have not tits. Let's be honest. That's the only way I'll stay with you.
Liz [after Louie asks why she wants him to walk]
Young, gorgeous women must have the hardest time. A lot of people think they have advantages. Like 'oh you're a pretty girl, it's easy, people buy you drinks' oh wow, boy, what is that - a $16 savings every week? Free drinks! It must be so much pressure to be like a really cute young girl. First of all, you're smaller than most people, you're an adult, and you're walking around and there are just MASSIVE men like 3 times your size and every single *GRUNTS LOUDLY LIKE A CAVEMAN* - that's a lot to take on. Someone else's cum fantasy. Like he just looks at you and you just feel buckets of cum hit you in the face.
I went on a date and I get nervous when I date. I get very nervous. I went on this date and we went out to dinner and all these things then I took her home and she went inside, and then I farted for the rest of my life.
Okay, I'm gonna come out and I'm gonna tell ya, I'm asking you out. That's what I'm doing, but please don't answer yet. Because I know you have a 'no' cued up in your head already. But please will you let me say a few things. I know that being a woman in New York must be hard because it's disappointing maybe because you try to be nice to men as human beings and they respond by torpedoing towards your vagina. I want you to know that I'm aware that you're young and beautiful and I'm not either of those things. And part of me knows that as soon as my lips stop moving that you'll say no. But please think of the fact that it's low risk what I'm asking. Ya just come out with me for a drink and even if you got up and left in the middle of the one drink, I wouldn't hold it against you. So, just make a judgment based on that nothing horrible would happen. If you came out with me, I think you're so attractive. I'm attracted to you because you're nice and you're a decent person and other reasons that you want people to be attracted to. Also, you're horribly cute. I mean, you're cute as hell. I grow on people. On women. Some time goes by you get past the bald head and I sweat a lot and I'm lumpy. I've run out of things to say. Can you tell me now?
Clerk [re: a book for Louie's daughter which he says she hasn't read yet]: Okay, give her this and tell her not to read it at night because it's too scary. The idea is that she will read it at night. It will be like a really wrongful thrill for her.
Jesus, now I'm all dicked up in the head. Thought it was simple with you.
Maria
Like I want to fuck Scarlett Johansson. I don't know her. I never met her or saw her in person. But I just know. Come on. I just know that would be the greatest thing to ever happen to me. And the worst thing to ever happen to her. I don't even jerk off to her - that's how much I like her.
"You have to examine yourself once in a while, you can't just say, 'I voted for Obama, I can't be prejudice, it's impossible.'
It's kind of like the people who live up there. Some of them have been living there their whole lives and have never seen where they live. Then you look up there and see them on their balconies and they're alone and you kind of feel sorry for them because they're alone you know.
Ramon
