It was the day after Thanksgiving and I came in under budget for all my Christmas gifts and you know how that gets me going.

Claire

Do you think we could just go downstairs and throw money at this and it would go away? I'm asking you, do you think that would work?

Jay

That's the whole point of a surprise party, you take somebody you really love and you play em like a fool.

Jay

These jeans just slipped on me so perfectly, my name must be "Pantserella."

Phil

What middle-aged guy would be interested in a young, attractive, newly legal woman? Oh that's right, all of them!

Claire

Cam: Trust me, I have another plan.
Mitchell: Really? Because right now our daughter is walking around like a Vietnamese Annie Hall.

And the birthday video becomes a nature film.

Luke

We're showing Lily that we trust her enough to have one nice thing.

Mitchell

Sweetheart you've had 2 boyfriends in 30 seconds, that's practically Haley's record!

Claire [to Alex]

Cam: Let's get this woman into bed and in the morning out of the house as fast as we can. Honestly, I don't know how straight guys do it.
Mitchell: Probably without those hand gestures.

Phil: Is there some kind of dress code for Godparents?
Claire: You're not wearing a fedora Phil.

I know you guys like to go to mom because she's Mr. Tough Guy problem solver.

Phil