Jay: Hi hunnie.
Gloria: I got in trouble.
Jay: Whatever she did, add it to my tab.

Haley: Did anyone see my leopard print skirt?
Phil: I saw a leopard headband on the stairs.
Haley: That's it.

Does he have a mallet? Then how does he get hit in the head?

Gloria

Can you imagine? One minute you're happily married, the next minute you're completely by yourself.

Phil

Mitchell: I had to settle.
Cameron: Well, your mom might think so, but some think I'm a catch.

Calm down, you know I grew up around many animals. One time a rooster attacked me and my mom rung its neck and we had it for dinner.

Cameron

Wow so intense. I had no idea the kind of pressure you were under. Hunnie, I was just you for two hours, I could barely hold it together. I don’t know how you don’t have a meltdown everyday.

Claire

Jay: Where were you when I was growing up? I'd of had your dice and cigarettes before you got to homeroom.
Manny: Where'd you go to school? "Guys and Dolls?"

Manny: You have to face it Jay, one day I’m gonna be moving out of this house.
Jay: Can I get that in writing? Cause I just can’t shake this image of a 30 year old you, eating my food and cuddling with my wife.
Gloria: Boys should never stop cuddling their mothers.
Jay: I’m gonna have nightmares!

I could have guessed he'd have trouble with roller coasters. That kid gets woozy at barbershops when they spin his chair towards the mirror.

Jay

Mitchell: Subtext: this is weird.
Cameron: I didn't hear any subtext.
Mitchell: Hear any now?

Luke: Aren't we going in?
Phil: We sure are. But won't it be fun if we did it with ski goggles and barbecue tools?