I only used it once, and that was to take a torte out of the oven.

Manny [on his baseball glove]

I think it's cool you're running for town office. It's totally nerdy but that's kind of my thing.

Alex [to Claire]

You know what a human pyramid is without hours of training? Ten obituaries!


OK, every once in a while you say that thing about the twig, and I need you to know, that bothers me.


If God wants a hamburger, this is what she cooks it on!


I knew we should have poured the tequila in your belly button. That's why they have these systems in place.


Jay: This is embarrassing...
Gloria: For the both of us.

It happens. Dolls grow up.


Remember that time I told you I couldn't make your figure skating competition because I was stuck at work? By stuck I meant drunk and by work I meant the golf course!


Please don't let me screw up our son!


Psychologist: Mrs. Dunphy, what exactly are you worried about?
Phil: Get comfortable.

Mitchell: Did we come at a bad time?
Claire: Come back in five years and seven months when they're all gone!