Cam: Umm well I can raise the roof and do the cabbage patch.
Mitchell: And I can do the single lady hand thing.
Cam: Yeah but put your neck into it or you just look like the Queen waving.

Do we book our spa appointments through you or?

Manny

Look I'm the horse whisperer but something is making this one skittish!

Gloria [screaming]

Cam: You hate her sparkly outfit, don't you?
Mitchell: No I told you it was fine, I just didn't like you wearing a matching one.

I can be spontaneous every 4 years.

Claire

Okay birthday boy, what's it gonna be, rom-com or horror? Or we could do both and watch Maid in Manhattan.

Mitchell

A month after the most devastating twister to ever hit Cam's hometown, I throw a party based on gay cinema's most famous tornado.

Mitchell

Twelve times a year I get sausages, that's it. Now what am I going to do until June?

Jay

I always thought of women as the more evolved sex, but after today...I've seen things Jay.

Manny

Jay: You know I raised two fully functional children.
Gloria: You have two kids that I don't know about?

Yeah, I'm just water-washing my hands.

Manny

Claire: My mom started drinking these cocktails called "horny Colombians" with some of Gloria's uncles, whom apparently the drink was named after
Phil: Oh come, they were funny
Claire: They kept grabbing my butt
Phil: Somebody is full of herself. It's a Colombian wedding tradition.. they said