I think I’m recording the game but you can never know. The last time I got 6 hours of Bravo.

Jay

Haley: You’re super green!
Mitchell: I know! I’m recycling a dollhouse, I recycled a child.

I'm going to teach him the real version, not the Colombian version. We actually use the pieces to play the game, not smuggle stuff out of the country.

Jay [on teaching Manny chess]

Can you imagine? One minute you're happily married, the next minute you're completely by yourself.

Phil

Did he trump me? You tell me. He made a painting out of a photograph one time. I have hand picked a card, drawn a heart in the steam on the medicine cabinet, and taken Claire to Fritelli's, a family style Italian restaurant, for 17 years in a row...yeah, he got me. He got me.

Phil

Calm down, you know I grew up around many animals. One time a rooster attacked me and my mom rung its neck and we had it for dinner.

Cameron

Cam: Well, technically this is your fault because we were afraid our marriage was getting as boring as yours.
Mitchell: Though based on your outfit, we need to work a little harder.

Does he have a mallet? Then how does he get hit in the head?

Gloria

Jay: Hi hunnie.
Gloria: I got in trouble.
Jay: Whatever she did, add it to my tab.

Mitchell: I had to settle.
Cameron: Well, your mom might think so, but some think I'm a catch.

Haley isn't the only hottie living here. I washed the car in my cheer shorts the other day. I definitely felt eyes on me.

Phil

I could have guessed he'd have trouble with roller coasters. That kid gets woozy at barbershops when they spin his chair towards the mirror.

Jay