Claire: Who's Victor? We never heard about him.
Haley: Oh because I knew you'd never let me go out with an ex con.

I think I’m recording the game but you can never know. The last time I got 6 hours of Bravo.

Jay

Haley: You’re super green!
Mitchell: I know! I’m recycling a dollhouse, I recycled a child.

Cam: Well, technically this is your fault because we were afraid our marriage was getting as boring as yours.
Mitchell: Though based on your outfit, we need to work a little harder.

I'm going to teach him the real version, not the Colombian version. We actually use the pieces to play the game, not smuggle stuff out of the country.

Jay [on teaching Manny chess]

Can you imagine? One minute you're happily married, the next minute you're completely by yourself.

Phil

Did he trump me? You tell me. He made a painting out of a photograph one time. I have hand picked a card, drawn a heart in the steam on the medicine cabinet, and taken Claire to Fritelli's, a family style Italian restaurant, for 17 years in a row...yeah, he got me. He got me.

Phil

Jay: Hi hunnie.
Gloria: I got in trouble.
Jay: Whatever she did, add it to my tab.

Calm down, you know I grew up around many animals. One time a rooster attacked me and my mom rung its neck and we had it for dinner.

Cameron

Wow so intense. I had no idea the kind of pressure you were under. Hunnie, I was just you for two hours, I could barely hold it together. I don’t know how you don’t have a meltdown everyday.

Claire

Does he have a mallet? Then how does he get hit in the head?

Gloria

Mitchell: I had to settle.
Cameron: Well, your mom might think so, but some think I'm a catch.

Modern Family Quotes

By the way, do not look up peeing games on the internet.

Jay

Jay: Flag on the play.
Manny: What does that mean?!?