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Gloria: Some people you turn your back for one second and they have another family from the bad side of town.
Jay: You ARE my other family from the bad side of town.

I have a mandate and not the kind you hide from your wife.


Her head sounds like pop rocks.


Haley: Oh my God I'm missing a text.
Alex: It just got real didn't it?

A happy kid is like an anti-depressant. But a natural one, not the kind your husband has to find in your jewelry drawer.


What happened to him? He didn't used to be that self-conscious before high school. He used to go around in his poncho, play the band flute. I miss my old Manny.


I've been lonely. Having a mirror in my room will be like having company.


Now there are pushy obnoxious moms, who try and get involved, nudge them towards one another...we mean well.


You know what I say, I might be coach but I like to travel first class!

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