Don't be disrespectful Luke, anybody could do it with Gloria.

Phil

We'll be on her like white on rice... which might sound racist because we're white and she, presumably, like rice.

Cam

You know, when you get a massage, you sound like a Tijuana prostitute.

Jay

I got scared because the cabinet didn't fall down.

Luke

Cameron: I remember once at a New Year's Eve party, stroke of midnight, he high-fived me. Two problems with that: One, gays don't high five. Two, gays don't high five.

If this so-called Santa Claus doesn't bring me a burgundy dinner jacket, I'm going to have a big problem.

Manny

Take it down a notch. We're just trying to make a friend not initiate a three-way.

Mitchell

Are you doing sex?

Luke

Leave it to the gays to raise the only underachieving Asian in America.

Mitchell

I brought you some soda, but I couldn't find any straws, so you'll have to drink it like cats.

Luke

Perhaps I'll be Reginald Appleby. An English gentleman in town for a polo match.

Phil

This whole thing is a colossal fog cue.

Jay