We'll be on her like white on rice... which might sound racist because we're white and she, presumably, like rice.


You're all the porn I need.


You know, when you get a massage, you sound like a Tijuana prostitute.


I got scared because the cabinet didn't fall down.


If this so-called Santa Claus doesn't bring me a burgundy dinner jacket, I'm going to have a big problem.


Take it down a notch. We're just trying to make a friend not initiate a three-way.


Cameron: I remember once at a New Year's Eve party, stroke of midnight, he high-fived me. Two problems with that: One, gays don't high five. Two, gays don't high five.

You can insult a lot of things about me - my hair, my voice, my balance-board exercises - but don't insult my selling. That crosses a line. What line? Oh, you don't see it? That's because I just sold it!


I brought you some soda, but I couldn't find any straws, so you'll have to drink it like cats.


Okay just because my uncle is clearly gay, doesn't mean he'd ever want your tacky pink tree. And frankly, we'd rather throw some lights on our coat rack than have to deal with knuckledraggers like you, today of all days...December 16th.


Sweetheart I would love to be wrong, but I don't live with the right people for that.


If an accident does happen, I hope he kills me, because I don't think I would be a very inspiring disabled person.


Modern Family Quotes

By the way, do not look up peeing games on the internet.


Manny: Does this feel like a short visit to you, or a long one?
Jay: The pregnant one brought a stroller.