We'll be on her like white on rice... which might sound racist because we're white and she, presumably, like rice.

Cam

You know, when you get a massage, you sound like a Tijuana prostitute.

Jay

I'm just a boy trying to bring style back to travel.

Manny

Cameron: I remember once at a New Year's Eve party, stroke of midnight, he high-fived me. Two problems with that: One, gays don't high five. Two, gays don't high five.

I got scared because the cabinet didn't fall down.

Luke

Take it down a notch. We're just trying to make a friend not initiate a three-way.

Mitchell

If this so-called Santa Claus doesn't bring me a burgundy dinner jacket, I'm going to have a big problem.

Manny

Perhaps I'll be Reginald Appleby. An English gentleman in town for a polo match.

Phil

Are you doing sex?

Luke

This whole thing is a colossal fog cue.

Jay

There's no reason you should stay upright, but it just works.

Jay [to Gloria]

I brought you some soda, but I couldn't find any straws, so you'll have to drink it like cats.

Luke

Modern Family Quotes

By the way, do not look up peeing games on the internet.

Jay

Gloria: I'm taking a shower, would you like to join me?
Jay: Honey, you know there's a gun in the footlocker in the garage, if I ever say no, I want you to use it on me