Okay just because my uncle is clearly gay, doesn't mean he'd ever want your tacky pink tree. And frankly, we'd rather throw some lights on our coat rack than have to deal with knuckledraggers like you, today of all days...December 16th.

Alex

If an accident does happen, I hope he kills me, because I don't think I would be a very inspiring disabled person.

Cameron

You can insult a lot of things about me - my hair, my voice, my balance-board exercises - but don't insult my selling. That crosses a line. What line? Oh, you don't see it? That's because I just sold it!

Phil

You're going to find somebody because you're an amazing girl Katie, you're the whole package, I just prefer someone who has one.

Cameron

My gaydar is never wrong and it is pinging like we're at a bathhouse.

Mitchell

There's no reason you should stay upright, but it just works.

Jay [to Gloria]

You know what I might just go crazy tonight and hook up all over him.

Alex

Sweetheart I would love to be wrong, but I don't live with the right people for that.

Claire

Gloria: I'm taking a shower, would you like to join me?
Jay: Honey, you know there's a gun in the footlocker in the garage, if I ever say no, I want you to use it on me

Claire: What's that in your hand?
Luke: Jagermeister. Dad said it would make girls wanna kiss you.

Hey, the world needs more dreamers Luke. Never stop licking things.

Phil

She looks like she was dipped in glue and dragged through a flea market.

Cam [about Lily]