There's no reason you should stay upright, but it just works.

Jay [to Gloria]

I brought you some soda, but I couldn't find any straws, so you'll have to drink it like cats.

Luke

Sweetheart I would love to be wrong, but I don't live with the right people for that.

Claire

If an accident does happen, I hope he kills me, because I don't think I would be a very inspiring disabled person.

Cameron

Gloria: I'm pregnant.
Claire: You're gonna get so fat!

You can insult a lot of things about me - my hair, my voice, my balance-board exercises - but don't insult my selling. That crosses a line. What line? Oh, you don't see it? That's because I just sold it!

Phil

Perhaps I'll be Reginald Appleby. An English gentleman in town for a polo match.

Phil

Okay just because my uncle is clearly gay, doesn't mean he'd ever want your tacky pink tree. And frankly, we'd rather throw some lights on our coat rack than have to deal with knuckledraggers like you, today of all days...December 16th.

Alex

My gaydar is never wrong and it is pinging like we're at a bathhouse.

Mitchell

She's being facetious...sarcastic...Dylan no stay!

Alex [to Haley]

Gloria: I'm taking a shower, would you like to join me?
Jay: Honey, you know there's a gun in the footlocker in the garage, if I ever say no, I want you to use it on me

Claire: What's that in your hand?
Luke: Jagermeister. Dad said it would make girls wanna kiss you.

Modern Family Quotes

By the way, do not look up peeing games on the internet.

Jay

Gloria: I'm taking a shower, would you like to join me?
Jay: Honey, you know there's a gun in the footlocker in the garage, if I ever say no, I want you to use it on me