Sweetheart I would love to be wrong, but I don't live with the right people for that.

Claire

This whole thing is a colossal fog cue.

Jay

You can insult a lot of things about me - my hair, my voice, my balance-board exercises - but don't insult my selling. That crosses a line. What line? Oh, you don't see it? That's because I just sold it!

Phil

I brought you some soda, but I couldn't find any straws, so you'll have to drink it like cats.

Luke

Okay just because my uncle is clearly gay, doesn't mean he'd ever want your tacky pink tree. And frankly, we'd rather throw some lights on our coat rack than have to deal with knuckledraggers like you, today of all days...December 16th.

Alex

If an accident does happen, I hope he kills me, because I don't think I would be a very inspiring disabled person.

Cameron

My gaydar is never wrong and it is pinging like we're at a bathhouse.

Mitchell

There's no reason you should stay upright, but it just works.

Jay [to Gloria]

You're like a mob wife. You complain about what I do, but have no problem wearing the fur that fell off the back of the truck.

Mitchell

Gloria: I'm pregnant.
Claire: You're gonna get so fat!

She looks like she was dipped in glue and dragged through a flea market.

Cam [about Lily]

Luke, I am your father. That's what I said to you when you were coming out of your mom's lady parts.

Phil

Modern Family Quotes

By the way, do not look up peeing games on the internet.

Jay

You're like a mob wife. You complain about what I do, but have no problem wearing the fur that fell off the back of the truck.

Mitchell