You can insult a lot of things about me - my hair, my voice, my balance-board exercises - but don't insult my selling. That crosses a line. What line? Oh, you don't see it? That's because I just sold it!

Phil

Are you doing sex?

Luke

Leave it to the gays to raise the only underachieving Asian in America.

Mitchell

You know what I might just go crazy tonight and hook up all over him.

Alex

Perhaps I'll be Reginald Appleby. An English gentleman in town for a polo match.

Phil

Sweetheart I would love to be wrong, but I don't live with the right people for that.

Claire

If an accident does happen, I hope he kills me, because I don't think I would be a very inspiring disabled person.

Cameron

She's being facetious...sarcastic...Dylan no stay!

Alex [to Haley]

My gaydar is never wrong and it is pinging like we're at a bathhouse.

Mitchell

Okay just because my uncle is clearly gay, doesn't mean he'd ever want your tacky pink tree. And frankly, we'd rather throw some lights on our coat rack than have to deal with knuckledraggers like you, today of all days...December 16th.

Alex

She looks like she was dipped in glue and dragged through a flea market.

Cam [about Lily]

Claire: What's that in your hand?
Luke: Jagermeister. Dad said it would make girls wanna kiss you.

Modern Family Quotes

By the way, do not look up peeing games on the internet.

Jay

It's a body spray called Sex Grenade. One of the divorced dad's in the hotel recommended it.

Luke