My gaydar is never wrong and it is pinging like we're at a bathhouse.

Mitchell

You know what I might just go crazy tonight and hook up all over him.

Alex

There's no reason you should stay upright, but it just works.

Jay [to Gloria]

This whole thing is a colossal fog cue.

Jay

Are you doing sex?

Luke

You can insult a lot of things about me - my hair, my voice, my balance-board exercises - but don't insult my selling. That crosses a line. What line? Oh, you don't see it? That's because I just sold it!

Phil

I brought you some soda, but I couldn't find any straws, so you'll have to drink it like cats.

Luke

Okay just because my uncle is clearly gay, doesn't mean he'd ever want your tacky pink tree. And frankly, we'd rather throw some lights on our coat rack than have to deal with knuckledraggers like you, today of all days...December 16th.

Alex

Gloria: I'm taking a shower, would you like to join me?
Jay: Honey, you know there's a gun in the footlocker in the garage, if I ever say no, I want you to use it on me

You're like a mob wife. You complain about what I do, but have no problem wearing the fur that fell off the back of the truck.

Mitchell

She looks like she was dipped in glue and dragged through a flea market.

Cam [about Lily]

Gloria: I'm pregnant.
Claire: You're gonna get so fat!

Modern Family Quotes

By the way, do not look up peeing games on the internet.

Jay

Gloria: I'm taking a shower, would you like to join me?
Jay: Honey, you know there's a gun in the footlocker in the garage, if I ever say no, I want you to use it on me