This whole thing is a colossal fog cue.

Jay

If an accident does happen, I hope he kills me, because I don't think I would be a very inspiring disabled person.

Cameron

My gaydar is never wrong and it is pinging like we're at a bathhouse.

Mitchell

You're going to find somebody because you're an amazing girl Katie, you're the whole package, I just prefer someone who has one.

Cameron

Leave it to the gays to raise the only underachieving Asian in America.

Mitchell

You can insult a lot of things about me - my hair, my voice, my balance-board exercises - but don't insult my selling. That crosses a line. What line? Oh, you don't see it? That's because I just sold it!

Phil

I brought you some soda, but I couldn't find any straws, so you'll have to drink it like cats.

Luke

Okay just because my uncle is clearly gay, doesn't mean he'd ever want your tacky pink tree. And frankly, we'd rather throw some lights on our coat rack than have to deal with knuckledraggers like you, today of all days...December 16th.

Alex

Gloria: I'm taking a shower, would you like to join me?
Jay: Honey, you know there's a gun in the footlocker in the garage, if I ever say no, I want you to use it on me

She's being facetious...sarcastic...Dylan no stay!

Alex [to Haley]

Gloria: I'm pregnant.
Claire: You're gonna get so fat!

You're like a mob wife. You complain about what I do, but have no problem wearing the fur that fell off the back of the truck.

Mitchell

Modern Family Quotes

By the way, do not look up peeing games on the internet.

Jay

You're the last person who should give me anything. You got me here. You got me to graduation, to Cal tech. You did it. You're done.

Alex