By the way, do not look up peeing games on the internet.


You know, when you get a massage, you sound like a Tijuana prostitute.


We all weave a web of lies. Some we tell to try to help the ones we love, some we tell to try to fool ourselves.


I'm gonna go get a beer, beer, beer before I punch you in the head, head, head.


I was 11 years old. I hit ten straight fastballs in the batting cage, then my friend Jeff Sweeney took one in the groin. I yelled "ball two!" Everybody laughed. That's when I knew I was funny.


[Singing] You are not the man you used to be. You get up four times at night to pee. Ba da dum da dum tat ta ta ta. You're super duper old now.


Oh my God, stop. We're gancient!


Mitchell: Hey fiancée.
Cam: Hello my intended.

He's like Batman, but straight.

Mitchell [on the gardener]

I sleep clown.


First rule of golf, shhh.


Manny: Hey mom, can you see this?
Gloria: What pimple?