By the way, do not look up peeing games on the internet.

Jay

90 percent of being a dad is just showing up

Jay

It's a body spray called Sex Grenade. One of the divorced dad's in the hotel recommended it.

Luke

You can't have two fun parents... You know that kid Liam who wears pajama pants to school and pays for things with a hundred-dollar bill? Two fun parents.

Claire

That's the funny thing about marriage, you fall in love with this extraordinary person and over time they begin to seem ordinary. I think it's all the nagging.

Phil

Cam [giving Lily dating advice]: Definitely compliment his outfit, laugh at his jokes...
Lily: What if they aren't funny?
Cam: Oh honey, the cute ones rarely are. God doesn't give with both hands.

Jay: I won't be able to hear her, she won't be able to see me.
Gloria: Well be together forever!

My dad says the greatest singer who ever lived is Peabo Bryson.

Luke

I could be a chump, do the usual, give the money back to the casino. Or I could do something for myself and get something from the casino store.

Jay

Lily: Mrs. Daniels my projects have too much glitter.
Cam: Okay. Well, she needs a Mr. Daniels, because a project can't have too much pizzazz.

Whoa that warmer drawer really works. It's like my mom's hugging my feet again.

Phil

Mitchell: This is how Cam's dad sees me, like some fawning damsel.
Jay: If anything, Cam's the damsel.
Mitchell: Dad! Thanks.