By the way, do not look up peeing games on the internet.

Jay

Gloria: I'm taking a shower, would you like to join me?
Jay: Honey, you know there's a gun in the footlocker in the garage, if I ever say no, I want you to use it on me

You win an Oscar. You buy a Golden Globe.

Cam

You're like a mob wife. You complain about what I do, but have no problem wearing the fur that fell off the back of the truck.

Mitchell

The way we compete with each other is sick! Two 13-year-olds knew how to take advantage of us.

Claire [to Jay]

This could be my 'going bald' scare all over again.

Mitchell

My knee's been singing all morning.

Manny

Let's dim the lights, crank up Norah Jones and get this over with.

Phil

But I'm nice and I put on the sugar jacket!

Gloria

Manny: I wanna be home-schooled.
Gloria: Really Manny? You want me to learn you English?

Women in their 30s on the internet are like ninjas. They get in their little, black outfits and try to sneak their way into your marriage.

Claire

It happens to be mother's day. Not martyr's day.

Mitchell