By the way, do not look up peeing games on the internet.

Jay

You dated a Dottie after Dede?

Gloria

Good to see you Betty Luke.

Phil [to Luke]

Calm down, you're gonna spook the boob.

Luke [to Manny]

I'm not adorable, I'm getting a mustache.

Luke

Claire: Phil, honey, when I’m not home I need you to be present and keep track of everyone.
Phil: Sounds good. Love you too.

Mitchell: She's always had a dark sense of humor
Cameron: Do you remember when she went as Sigfried and part of Roy for Halloween?
Mitchell: Too soon

Spontaneous human combustion is very rare!

Phil

Ho Ho Hold up a sec!

Phil

You know what? You just caused a scene in a restaurant and you can't get anymore like your daddies than that.

Cam [to Lily]

Hello Houstons? We have a situation.

Gloria

It sended! Please come back!

Gloria