By the way, do not look up peeing games on the internet.

Jay

Gloria: I'm taking a shower, would you like to join me?
Jay: Honey, you know there's a gun in the footlocker in the garage, if I ever say no, I want you to use it on me

Jay: Flag on the play.
Manny: What does that mean?!?

It's a body spray called Sex Grenade. One of the divorced dad's in the hotel recommended it.

Luke

Mitzi: Your kid forgot his cereal. There's a surprise in every box. Spoiler alert: it's diabetes!

Claire: I got pregnant with Haley.
Phil: My bad!

How awesome are people?

Phil

You know what a human pyramid is without hours of training? Ten obituaries!

Phil

Gloria: The baby kicked me all night. It's either going to be a football player or a chorus girl.
Cam: You can be both. My senior year I was a right side linebacker and a left side cancan dancer in Gigi.

We never told Grandma ‘bout the gay.

Cam

Sometimes I worry nobody's going to like Alex.

Claire

This country's number one export is hot surfers. I'm not gonna buy the first one I see, I'm still browsing.

Haley

Modern Family Quotes

By the way, do not look up peeing games on the internet.

Jay

Gloria: I'm taking a shower, would you like to join me?
Jay: Honey, you know there's a gun in the footlocker in the garage, if I ever say no, I want you to use it on me