That was hardly porn. It was a topless woman on a tractor. You know what they call that in Europe? A cereal commercial.

Phil

By the way, do not look up peeing games on the internet.

Jay

I'm the ass kicking clown that will twist you like a balloon animal!

Cameron

Just so you know sometimes when babies come this early, they're black.

Sal

You're all the porn I need.

Phil

You had to clip my wings which you used to be the wind beneath

Cameron [to Mitchell about not letting him act himself in class]

Your kids don't need to know who you were before you had them; they need to know who you wish you were, and try to live up to that person. They're gonna fall short, but better they fall short of the fake you than the real you.

Claire

Oh my gosh, an actual gay agenda.

Cam

Gloria: I'm taking a shower, would you like to join me?
Jay: Honey, you know there's a gun in the footlocker in the garage, if I ever say no, I want you to use it on me

I'm sort of like Costco. I'm big, I'm not fancy and I dare you to not like me.

Cameron

He's like Batman, but straight.

Mitchell [on the gardener]

I sleep clown.

Cam

Modern Family Quotes

That was hardly porn. It was a topless woman on a tractor. You know what they call that in Europe? A cereal commercial.

Phil

By the way, do not look up peeing games on the internet.

Jay