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When I was 17 I was really close to my friend Stacey's mom. Mrs. Robinson was a former cheerleader so she knew just how to massage my legs after practice. She had her own homemade bengay that didn't burn no matter where she rubbed it on me.


Please to not turn me marrying my daughter into something ugly.


Kenny: Hey I don't think we've met I'm Kenny.
Alex: And I'm disgusted.

And the birthday video becomes a nature film.


Kids make fun of you if you get a haircut. I just gave them a full blown sex scandal.


What middle-aged guy would be interested in a young, attractive, newly legal woman? Oh that's right, all of them!


These jeans just slipped on me so perfectly, my name must be "Pantserella."


That's the whole point of a surprise party, you take somebody you really love and you play em like a fool.


Haley: You used to be fun.
Phil: You used to be....what? Oh yeah, at college.

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