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Modern-family

If I never wake up, I'd hate for the last thing you ever said to me to be a lie.

Phil

When you walked through a spider web... when we were playing with a Ouija board and the wind blew a door shut...

Luke

I could be sitting grill-side watching a guy build an onion volcano. Instead, I got Rico Suave in my kitchen.

Jay

Mitchell: Still keeping traditions alive, huh?
Jay: Someone has to. I got two Colombians as home trying to turn Christmas into Cinco de Mayo.
Mitchell: You know that's Mexican right?
Jay: Ahh. Burrito, burr-righto.

Gloria: Every culture has their own traditions. For example, in our culture, the Baby Jesus is the one that brings the presents, not the Santa Claus.
Jay: That's doesn't make sense. How could a new born baby carry all those presents? They don't even know where their hands are.
Manny: At least a baby could fit through a chimney.
Jay: How could you sit on the Baby Jesus' lap? You'd squish him.

If this so-called Santa Claus doesn't bring me a burgundy dinner jacket, I'm going to have a big problem.

Manny

If I was home right now, I'd be mixing up a bathtub full of eggnog and trying to squeeze a greased hog into a Santa hat. You don't think I don't miss that?

Cameron

We raised our kids right. One of them will come forward, or the other two will rat them out.

Phil

Claire: We're gonna pass into legend. The parents who canceled Christmas.
Phil: I thought you'd be happy.
Claire: They'll write songs about us. They'll make a Christmas special with those ugly little clay pieces.

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