Luke: What's Zima?
Phil: Just a party in a bottle. Man that reminds me of some wild times.

Maybe we can send un-vitations, is that a thing?

Cam

This whole persnickety thing is not gonna fly in the world. Never hand people another reason to make fun of you.

Jay

Phil: You know how you can treasure special moments in your past that in no way diminish special moments in your present?
Claire: Yes sweetheart it's called having a memory.

I'm not spending any more time under fluorescent lighting than I have to.

Haley

Mitchell: Why don't we put Lily in one of Alex's shirts for the picture tonight?
Cam: She'll see right through that.
Mitchell: No you're thinking of Haley's shirts.

Calm down Claire, your voice is getting to that pitch that disturbs out cat.

Cam

Can I sit around an empty house and wait for someone? Baby I'm a realtor. I have a license for that.

Phil

That's a library? I thought it was a church for a religion that didn't allow makeup.

Haley

Are you saying what I think you're saying? I'm Crocodile Dunphy?!

Phil

Mitchell: I'm so nervous. Are we gonna say Hugh Jackman in a bathing suit? What do we say to Hugh Jackman in a bathing suit?
Cam: Oh my God, it's so big.
Mitchell: That's a bit direct but you know he might be flattered- oh you're talking about the boat.

Gloria: How dumb do they think we are?
Phil: Sometimes Claire leaves me pictures instead of food instead of a shopping list.