Joe: I can't wait to make a snow-person!
Jay: Person? We gotta get him out of that hippie school.
Manny: I don't know Jay, last report card he got straight dolphins.

Gloria: Jay, don't forget Joe's new doll.
Jay: Cam and Mitchell, always pushing their agenda.

Claire: Ruben again? He wore a Batman cape to the first day of high school.
Alex: You're really judging me right now when you look like a hooker at Comic-Con?

Cam: Well, technically this is your fault because we were afraid our marriage was getting as boring as yours.
Mitchell: Though based on your outfit, we need to work a little harder.

Mitchell: How about a show to go with it?
Cam: Mitchell?
Mitchell: Who's Mitchell? I'm Magic Mitch. Welder by day, stripper by choice.

Manny: Does this feel like a short visit to you, or a long one?
Jay: The pregnant one brought a stroller.

Claire: You think maybe you're being a little hard on Luke?
Phil: We're his parents Claire, it's our job to keep him off the stripper pole.

We should be careful, this market might be a trick to get a whole bunch of white people together in one spot.

Mitchell

Phil: Well good morning Leonard.
Luke: Leonard?
Phil: I know it's not the well-behaved son Luke who'd never take our car out without a license and get arrested.

Jay: Why do I look so pale and sweaty?
Mitchell: Well, you're old and Irish.

Claire: You know Luke has failed that driver's test twice now right?
Mitchell: My options today are frat house, duck village, or car crash. I'm feeling very comfortable with my decision.

Claire: Phil, duck feed!
Phil: Hey, that's almost my name.

Modern Family Quotes

By the way, do not look up peeing games on the internet.

Jay

Jay: Flag on the play.
Manny: What does that mean?!?