How'd you get in my phone? Does this mean that when we talked the other day, you knew I was in the can?

Jay

Claire: I asked you to clean up the kitchen nine hours ago when I left for work. I come back and it's the exact same mess PLUS pickles and peanut butter.
Haley: I was running around doing stuff for my crazy boss all day, and then I got hungry, and then the smell from the garbage almost made me throw up!

Claire: Phil, honey, when I’m not home I need you to be present and keep track of everyone.
Phil: Sounds good. Love you too.

Claire: You've never stolen anything before?
Phil: Only my entire high school production of The Wiz.

Lot of attitude from a guy whose date is a tub of ice cream and a fuzzy robe. You're spending Valentine's Day in a Cathy comic.

Jay [to Manny]

As loud as these 2 are, they move like cats.

Jay

Obviously there were 2 gifts wrapped similarly and my eyes were a little watery from the thick fog of vapor rub back there.

Cam

It was pretty pricey, but they're judgey so we knew the'd love it.

Mitchell

Point is- a guy like me gets that lucky, he quits while he's ahead.

Phil

I'm gonna miss that Juliana. That woman knows where the bodies are buried.

Phil

Phil: Happy Valentine's Day by the way.
Claire: Ew no, I'm gross and sweaty from running.

Whats next you're gonna dress her in fishnets? Put her in a window in Amsterdam? Just keep it casual!

Jay [about Stella]

Modern Family Quotes

You can kiss my wife, you can take her to bed, but only I can make her laugh.

Phil

I never liked Spandau Ballet. Our entire marriage, I never once mentioned Spandau Ballet. Am I even pronouncing that right?

Phil