What have I said about sneaking up on me? I could've been shaving. This could've been a Sweeney Todd moment.


He's grown up drinking from a breast bigger than his head. I don't think he scares easy.

Jay [about Joe]

Do we have to put the toilet on the counter? I take my afternoon coffee here.


Usually when everything's normal, people don't respond in perfectly rehearsed unison.


This was a huge mistake. I am jammed in the backseat with a hairy Peruvian biter. It's spring break '92 all over again!


Cam: It was right about then that a question started nagging at me: "Is Phil sexy?"

Life's too short to be ruled by fear. What do you say we get you the right dryer princess?

Phil [to Cam]

It's gonna take more than that to ruin a morning that started out with a whipped cream smile on my waffle.


The only thing stronger than Manny's fear is his need to protect his mama.


Can you not make this fear worse? I watched Dede coddle Mitchell when he was afraid of the dark. Until he was 7 he would only blink one eye at a time. It gave a lot girls the wrong impression.


Jay: I thought your phone was stolen.
Gloria: This is Joe's phone.
Jay: This is why the terrorists hate us.

Lesson learned- when pressure builds to dangerous levels, it must be released.


Modern Family Quotes

Manny: Does this feel like a short visit to you, or a long one?
Jay: The pregnant one brought a stroller.

By the way, do not look up peeing games on the internet.