Well that's attractive. You look like a puppy with a slipper.

Mitchell [to Cam]

Gloria: Manny's first girlfriend is a senior with a Mustang.
Jay: I'd have put my money on a sophomore with a mustache.

Claire: Haley I need the wifi corner get down.
Haley: Ugh! I need Instagram to know there's still beauty in the world!

With great hotness comes great responsibility.

Haley

Said it since day one. The only thing coordinated about this kid is his outfits.

Jay [about Manny]

Stress is all a part of football. If you're not throwing up in your mouth, you're not doing it right.

Jay

I can be challenging finding playmates for an exceptional child. I don't mean to brag, but that's why i didn't have any friends.

Mitchell

Claire: Why are you trying to turn this into a fight? I called to yell at you for getting me sick. Love you, bye.
Mitchell: I love you too.

If laughter is the best medicine, consider yourself grape flavored Triaminic.

Phil [to Luke]

Claire: This cold stops with me. Why do you think I swapped beds with Luke last night?
Phil: You did?
Luke: Appreciated the back rub. Not sure I loved being called Miss Thang.
Phil: Nooooo!

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It went to my ears on our flight home. I may have moaned a bit. A crying baby complained about me.

Cam

I never get sick. I must've caught some kind of chill on the beach when my socks got wet...My ankles burn.

Mitchell