Some people call me a salesman, I call myself a salesfriend, so obviously I need strangers to trust me. I don't take it kindly when someone Tom Sellecks my bus bench.


Cam: My dream for him is that one day, he'll be on the Supreme Court.
Mitchell: Why Cam?
Cam: So at parties I can tell people my partner is one of the Supremes.

Luke, that is very offensive to women. Your mom works very hard, just now she works for us.


Claire: What's that in your hand?
Luke: Jagermeister. Dad said it would make girls wanna kiss you.

Just test-driving my new soup strainer. I dug it out of the Halloween stuff to see what people think.


Wouldn't that be so cool to go to a school made out of bottles?


Just concluding a little business. Successfully, I might add!

Phil [from the port-o-potty]

She can't take criticism about her driving. Once an old lady yelled at her at a crosswalk, she honked so long, the horn ran out.


I mean, for me it's a locker room. For him, it's a showroom.


Cameron: Don't tell me that was your first moon landing.
Jay: You have a name for it?!?

Cameron: I got all medieval on the florists.
Mitchell: Cam, I heard you on the phone, you said you were displeased, but that's hardly going medieval.
Cameron: Excuse me, I said very displeased and I used my cowboy voice.

Cheerleading in my college was cool. The football players were so jealous they wouldn't even let me and my buddies, Trevor, Scotty and Ling go to their parties.


Modern Family Season 1 Quotes

Yes, I've gained a few extra pounds while we were expecting the baby... but that's science. You can't fight it.


If Haley got pregnant, would you ever pretend she got mono for a few months and then tell everyone the baby's yours?