Jay: You want scary? When I was his age I lived through the Cuban Missile Crisis. I slept with a butter knife under my pillow in case I had to fight some Soviet colonel.
Gloria: Why?
Jay: Because I could identify all the Commi planes.
Gloria: What are we talking about?!?

Listen, when my granddaughter's boyfriend's band plays an under-21 club with my daughter-in-law's brother's gay partner, I show up. That's just how I was raised.


No, I don't love the dog. I love my couch and the dog was looking at it like it was a giant sausage.


I always felt bad for people with emotionally distant fathers; it turns out I'm one of them. It's a miracle I didn't end up a stripper.


He sheds. I made the mistake of letting him sleep with me on the road. Now my sheets look like two bigfoots did it.


Was that the alarm? Has our perimeter been breached?


Phil: Dad, what's up?
Frank: Nothing, but these boxers are starting to ride high.
Phil: I'm in no mood for jokes... although that was a good one. You still got it.

Mitchell's new boss: Do you guys surf?
Cameron: Only for bargains on the Web!

You're doing great, Luke, if your goal is to suck!

Basketball Coach

Business partners, mergers and acquisitions. Just kidding, we're gay!

Cameron [on his relationship with Mitchell]

Alex, honey, when you're out shopping, you might want to pick yourself up a training bra. I know you don't need one now but your little boobies are going to come in soon. Mommy loves you, kitten!


I'm going to have to go talk it over with my bull in a china shop.


Modern Family Season 1 Quotes

Yes, I've gained a few extra pounds while we were expecting the baby... but that's science. You can't fight it.


If Haley got pregnant, would you ever pretend she got mono for a few months and then tell everyone the baby's yours?