A relationship with your father-in-law is tough. You need to prove you can stand up to him, while being respectful. It's like walking a tightrope, which by the way I can do, because I went to trapeze school.

Phil

I'm gonna introduce him to the Captain... and Tenille.

Phil [on his fists]

Manny: Any suggestions?
Jay: I usually go with earrings

I can't pressure Mitchell. But I really, really, really just want him to get a job so I can go back to being a stay-at-home dad/trophy wife.

Cameron

It's Cameron's turn to be out in the world interacting with other grown-ups while I get to stay at home and plot the death of Dora the Explorer.

Mitchell

Let's show these guys what kind of team they're about to beat.

Phil

Luke: Manny and I are going to practice lay-ups.
Manny: They are deceptively hard. A curious mix of dance and strength.
Luke: You're ruining it again.

One day I'm gonna be a grandfather and then everybody better hide their meat.

Phil

Who's ready for the first day of the rest of their lives?

Phil [upon getting an iPad]

Do I have time for a steam?

Manny

Gloria [at chess]: Look at this, papi!
Jay: Easy, you can't sing "We Are The Champions" without your Queen.

Claire: They're getting more in next week.
Phil: Next week? That's like the worst thing you can say to an early adopter.

Modern Family Season 1 Quotes

That was hardly porn. It was a topless woman on a tractor. You know what they call that in Europe? A cereal commercial.

Phil

I'm the ass kicking clown that will twist you like a balloon animal!

Cameron