Haley: Oh my God, gross, I can't even picture you with a woman.
Claire: Thank you.

If my daughter can stand up then so can I.


I am going to do what I am trained to do. I am going to lie, grovel, debase myself until I get what I want. I am a lawyer, damn it.


It's hard to sleep in a bed of lies, isn't it, Jay?


To this day, Mitchell looks at me, I see him thinking 'that's the guy who killed Flyza Minnelli.'


I've been through this before. When Mitchell was 9, I was supposed to take care of his bird. It got out and flew into a fan. It was like a bloody pillow fight.


I know the pain is fresh, but the lie is really old.


Luke: You had a girlfriend before mom?
Phil: I had two!

Trust me, I had plenty of fun in my time. Then, I met your mom.


Women in their 30s on the internet are like ninjas. They get in their little, black outfits and try to sneak their way into your marriage.


Denise: How many other women have you led on?
Phil: I don't know now!

Never getting my driver's license, or getting one and the picture sucks.

Haley [on her biggest fear]

Modern Family Season 1 Quotes

Gloria: And you really didn't know he was gay?
Jay: I must have, right?

Gloria: What about the pigeons?
Jay: I don't like them. They're shifty.