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Modern-family

You said that everything you needed to learn you'd learn from Westside Story.

Jay

Maybe you should come to the doctor and I'll ... get rid of it!

Phil

I was 11 years old. I hit ten straight fastballs in the batting cage, then my friend Jeff Sweeney took one in the groin. I yelled "ball two!" Everybody laughed. That's when I knew I was funny.

Phil

You're so cute when you're angry with you're little fists. I just want to put you in my pocket.

Cameron

Oh man, if a spider would have broken in here, he would have been in trouble.

Cameron [to Mitchell]

I'm going to teach him the real version, not the Colombian version. We actually use the pieces to play the game, not smuggle stuff out of the country.

Jay [on teaching Manny chess]

Phil: It's like a movie theater, library and a music store all rolled in to one... awesome pad.
Alex [to Haley]: A library is a place where people get books
Haley [to Alex]: A movie theater is a place where people go on dates.

The iPad comes out on my actual birthday. It's like Steve Jobs and God got together to say, "we love you, Phil."

Phil

Claire [after eating Haley's cupcakes]: Do we still have the number for poison control?
Phil: I love you, Claire, I'll always love you!
Luke: My mouth is asleep like at the dentist.

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